A conversation about self-harm
October 25th 2007 by Rebekah in Child Abuse
If you could ask someone, especially a young person about their self-harming behaviours – what questions would you ask? Below is a BRIEF fictional re-count of what I would ask from a professional perspective. In order to understand the act of ‘cutting’ I must learn what the act of ‘cutting’ means to the individual and how it has helped them to survive their internal and external worlds.
Article by Rebekah Allen
If anyone wants to add to these answers please feel free to contact me so that I can add more voices to the individuals who ‘cut to survive’ It is only through them that we can ever hope to understand the complexities that surround this act of continued existence.
Question: WHAT does it mean to you to be called a self-injurer, self-harmer and/or a self-mutilator?
Answer: It means that I have found a way to distract myself from my emotional and spiritual pain which generally helps me to cope with life.
Question: WHAT parts of the self do you hurt when you harm yourself?
Answer: Of course it hurts me physically, but sometimes my body feels so detached, disconnected and disjointed that the act of ‘cutting’ my skin provides me with a sense of reality and connection to the outside world.
Question: WHAT have you noticed triggers your self-harming behaviours?
Answer: Sometimes I want to harm myself because I am angry or sad about something in my life. Then a voice inside my head starts yelling and screaming abuse at me, telling me that I am no good or worthless. I can’t cope with this voice – it is so loud and it feels so real. I can’t feel anything emotionally at this point but I know that I am no longer connected to the people or environment around me. ‘Cutting’ brings me back and helps me to survive that moment or situation in my life at the time.
Question: WHY do you keep your self-harming behaviours a secret if it helps you?
Answer: Because I know what people think about it and they will think I am crazy if they find out I ‘cut’ myself in order to keep myself alive.
Question: HAVE you sought help to deal with your desire to self-harm?
Answer: I have sought help and they (professionals) keep telling me to stop. If I could stop then I wouldn’t be asking for help. And that is why ‘cutting’ works for me – I can show people how I really feel inside instead of having to talk about it – I have a cut and/or burn to show them and this cut speaks my words for me – the cut or burn is red, puffy, sore, deep, scarred, painful and healing all at the same time.
Question: As you said, you have a cut to show people how you feel - yet you keep your self-harming behaviour a secret?
Answer: To you it doesn’t make sense but to me it makes perfect sense. The cut is a visual display of my pain. I don’t have to share it if I don’t want to but to me it represents everything that is under the skin. And if I really have to show someone how I feel inside I can just show them my cuts.
Question: Do you think that ‘cutting’ is like drinking alcohol or taking drugs?
Answer: Yes, I guess it is. I know from my own experience when I first cut myself it was to experiment to see how it felt and also because I liked the risk taking factors about cutting. It gave me a sense of power too – I could control my own existence. Then after some time I started using ‘cutting’ whenever I noticed an uncomfortable feeling arise within me. Now it seems like my best friend.
Question: If you had a magic wand and you could stop yourself from harming your skin – WHAT would you do?
Answer: I would get help and learn to speak with my real voice like other people do. I would confront the person who took away my sense of self. I would tell other people that ‘cutting’ only works in the short-term and that it actually makes you feel worse about yourself. I would stand up for who I am and I would become a ‘survivor’. I would learn new ways of dealing with the world. I would learn to forgive myself for my urges to self-harm. I would choose life. AND finally I would never be silent again.
To the many self-harmers that walk upon the path of self-injury – you are not alone and although you might not see the light ahead or above – be certain that you carry a light within you that reaches far beyond anything that is visual to the eye.
Stumble it!
October 26th, 2007 at 9:28 am
Hi Rebekah,
I have found that wiith all copeing strategies (alcohol, drugs), self harming - if you insist it will resist. Therefore focus on the feelings and mood before and after. Labeling and conversation around “cutting’ gives it a voice -allow sit to become stronger. Finding ways to disrupt and connect or disconnect hence focusing on the here and now. I say connect or disconnect as some research suggests selfharming may occur to dissociate into or out of a disociated state.
I would acknowledge the selfharming; validate their pain and begin to walk with them through their process … what mood; thoughts etc There is a mood be it resentment, resignatiion etc Steps for disruption can then begin ( this may take time) the cause of the pain can then be the focus not the ‘çutting’ cheers fran
October 26th, 2007 at 10:44 am
Love your language of externalisation and solution focus, Fran. Some great points you’ve both raised. Thanks for joining the conversation Fran.
I also like that you say, “if you insist, it will resist.” Makes sense. I know when I diet or even the many times I tried to quit smoking, my strong insisting made little difference - in fact, the voice of my addictions became more dominant and angry.
When I changed my mood to one of trying and perseverance, I was able to stop smoking and lose weight. It would make sense to move that mood across to problematic areas in other people’s lives as well in an attempt to sample different things that may work for them.
October 26th, 2007 at 12:46 pm
Thank you Fran & Megan - put another way - what you resist persists - this is a representation of accepting the behaviours first - accept rather than resist - the word acceptance itself offers instant relief - with acceptance of the behaviours and the fact that the self-harmer has learnt the behaviour in order to cope and survive - some of what you talk about can be implemented - i.e. disruption. From my perspective, I believe the first step to a self-harm disclosure - is to remain non-judgemental of the behaviour (not asking them to stop, however educating them as much as possible)- acknowledge the behaviour is learnt; accept the behaviour and through accepting the fact that the behaviour is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation - move to a resolution - where acceptance creates a cognitive change such as “It just doesn’t matter anymore whether I self-harm, I know where it comes from, why it persists - if I give in and stop fighting - I can begin to identify the triggers and disrupt the process.
November 15th, 2007 at 2:13 am
Rebekah-
I’m flailing about here looking for some insight. My step-daughter suffers from depression. She’s 18 and on meds- but has recently been intermitant about taking them. She consistantly engages in self destructive behavior. From everthing I can find out about self injury- it fits her- except she doesn’t hide it. She tells me- “I’m sitting in my room cutting” In fact, she seems to use it as a manipulation tool with me and her father to make us worry about her. She doesn’t live with us- she lives about 400 miles away where it’s impossible to look her in the eye and try to make some assessment about her actual emotional state.
We talk often. She’s frequently highly emotional- in a situtation where she seems to have manufactured a crisis and then goes into these really low lows where it seems she’s seeking attention. She tells me she feels worthless. She says “Help me” but doesn’t do anything to help herself. Meaning- she skips her meds, wallows in self pity, absolutely refuses to do anything to improve her situation. She constantly complains about feeling unloved and uncared for- but acts in a way that seems to be purpopsefully combative and mean and rude. She says help me- but really doesn’t seem to want any help.
My husband and I are crazy with worry about her- on the one hand- we strongly suspect she’s manipulating us for attention- but then on the other hand- what if we are wrong and she is on the verge of really hurting herself? She’s stopped going to her therapist, her mother refuses to do anything useful and her father and I feel completely useless in helping as we are completely out of our depth.
We have sought counseling on our own- to learn what to do and what not to do- but our counseler can only help us so much as all the info is second hand. We’re both so tired and worried and scared and angry. We don’t know what to do. This has been going on for about 2 years now and both of us are at the end of our endurance. We love this child- but at the same time hate her as well for all she is putting us through.
Can you offer any good websites, advice, research anything to help? I feel so completely desperate and useless and would welcome any insight you have to give.
November 15th, 2007 at 7:33 am
Hi Becks,
A good website - bodies under seige - put it into a google search - their is a forum for your daughter to access and there is also a lot of information for you and your husband to access.
A great book to read is “A bright red scream” - Marilee Strong
With regard to you being ‘useless’ - obviously you are not useless and you are doing everything you can for your stepdaughter because you have accessed this site and you are looking for information and accessing external support. When it comes to parenting ’self-harmers’ - the load can be great and extremely stressful - you and your husband must take care of yourselves - such as emotional care; physical care; spiritual care and psychological care - by taking care of yourself you will have more energy to deal with your stepdaughters ’stuff’.
From a personal perspective and as a parent I find it useful to tell myself the following:
God Grant Me The Serenity
To Accept The Things I Cannot Change
Courage To Change The Things I Can
And The Wisdom To Know The Difference
This will not change your stepdaughter’s behaviours but it will help you to understand that you can only change how you view her behaviours - you can’t stop her self-harming- do what you can but as you already know she must take responsibility for her own actions and work towards change and healing.
Hope this helps Rebekah