The task of Adolescence is separation

According to life span theorists, each different life span age grouping has different tasks. Tasks need to be successfully met for the individual to psychologically mature into the next life span group. If tasks are not completed then the individual loses psychological growth continuity and will stay stuck in that psychological age until somebody helps them to master the tasks.

Adolescence has eight distinct tasks that must be met, all polarising around the creation of an adult identity. Reducing those eight tasks into an easy to remember reminder for parents, the major task of adolescence is SEPARATION.

This morning we hailed farewell to childhood in this home. My youngest child became a teenager. True to the task of adolescence, he has opted to have a birthday party, at outdoor Laser Tag….”Alone, thanks Mum”. How is that for separation? He turns 13 and I am forgotten, left in the kitchen, while he reins upon his sweaty, field gun throne of self chosen party food: chocolate and Coke.

I could chose to constipate the process and insist that the boys party at home prior to laser tag or I could go to Laser Tag with them all and fuss and bother and sing. I know that no matter what I do, Boy will be embarrassed by me and give me a mouth full of disrespect. Why? Because the task of adolescence is separation and my son is being an absolutely developmentally normal teenager…he is separating for me.

Boy is an outdoor Laser Tag freak. We gave him a much coveted CamelBak (yes, that’s him, and it, in all the pics) so that he can re hydrate while pulling the trigger on other poor unsuspecting civilians. A serious player, he usually plays three games in a single day on the weekend. ONLY because it is his birthday is he sacrificing a game for his less well prepared mates. And, because of the sacrifice, he demands compensation of the most excellent party food there is. Boy picked out his own food and has packed the esky as well (I repacked it in terror of him leaving something pretentiously healthy out). To the parents of those militant teens joining the Laser Tag party today….I am so sorry, so very sorry, but, as a therapist, I fully understand that the task of adolescence is separation and that there is NO WAY I am going to get into unhelpful conflict over birthday party food stand in the way of Boy’s psychological advancement through adolescence.

Happy 13th birthday Boy.  No matter how well you adjust to the tasks of adolescence, you will remain the baby of the family for ever.