The secret business of child sexual abuse caught by surprise

There’s no such thing as a good secret. Surprises are the best because secrets can only make you all scrambled up inside your head. Why would you want to know something that nobody else can know?

Too many sexual predators tell children to keep the little love games a secret. Confused, and fooled by the romantic notions of secrecy (Christmas, birthdays, etc) that we innocently fill our children’s head with, children are often unable to tell a trusting adult the horrible secret inside their head.

Many people use the distinction of good secrets and bad secrets. This is a difficult concept for young children to grasp. Until a child’s level of moral development rises to a stage where they can developmentally grasp the difference between abstract concepts, children will keep secrets.

Just like the rubbish, throw the word “secret” out of your vocabulary. Replace it with “surprise”. A surprise can he held in brain trust for a particular period. The surprise ends on a particular date and at a particular time. Everyone is happy and talks excitedly about the surprise.

Change “secret” to “surprise” by playing the following game and letting children know that it is never okay to keep secrets because when they stay in your head they make you feel all jumbled up. They get more scary and confused and we feel awful. Secrets must be broken. Telling someone, aloud, is the best way to stop secrets.

Play Surprises: this is similar to the old Chinese Whispers game (also called “secrets”); a game of messages that change, distort and sound nothing like the first message. You need a group of children. A positive message (e.g., I love chocolate fairy cakes) is whispered into the first child’s ear. That child then whispers the message into the next child’s ear and this continues passing to each child until the message is back to the beginning person. The first child then states, aloud, the message they have just received. It is generally quite different to the way it started. Say SURPRISE, SURPRISE. If a child asks to play the secret game again (as they do), correct them by saying, “It’s called surprises because you must never keep secrets.”

Playing this game prepares a child’s mind for changing the word “secrets” to “surprises” and assists children to remember to tell about bad secrets.

What are you going to do to help rid your family of the word “secret”? Make it your business, your priority, to encourage transparency. It makes good business sense. Kids are our business platform and I want my business to have a solid foundation, not a secret, cannot share, shaky one.

For more protective play ideas, register in our Safety Talk forum and receive a FREE 10 page Protective Play tutorial, jam packed with games, activities and ideas to help keep your kids safe. Imaginif play kept our kids safe!

Article by Megan Bayliss (article fist appeared in November 2006 at Megan’s previous blog site).

Photo of two girls whispering from shared stock at stock.xchng.

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Why children accommodate secrets about sexual abuse
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