How to stop kids from fighting with each other

My work with parents and foster carers, and my job as a Mum, tells me that everywhere, all over the world, parents worry about the fights between their children. Parents and foster carers often tell me that siblings fight: fight like wild animals and there must be something seriously wrong with them to fight like that.

We all fight. Fighting is an inbuilt part of our natural reactions to danger (fight or flight response). Cave man did it beautifully – he knew when to run away and he knew when to fight.  But, we are not living n caves and no matter how much our little darlings may act like Neanderthals, they are not cave men! They will still fight, but they need to learn civilised rules around fighting.

To stop kids fighting like animals, teach them the rules of fighting fairly.

One of the great differences between function and dysfunction is that function has rules and discipline around those rules. Dysfunction doesn’t know what the rules are so it makes up its own and then forgets what the rules are because not everyone else is following them and reminding dysfunction what they are.

To stop sibling groups, or any children, fighting to the death like two cave men, teach them the civilized rules of fair fighting and remember to model them yourself. There’s no point insisting that brothers and sisters stop fighting if Mum and Dad are continually fighting like uncivilised children is there!!

The rules for fair fighting:

1. Find out the problem
2. Attack the problem NOT the person
3. Listen to each other
4. Care about each other’s feelings
5. You are responsible for what you say and do.

If you seriously want to stop the children from fighting like animals then teach them the above simple rules around fighting fairly. Become obsessively repetitive so that the above rules are embedded into family culture and your children’s brains. Violent (hitting, scratching, spitting, throwing) and abusive (yes, mean words are abusive) fighting is not okay but fair fighting means that differences are dealt with WITHOUT being mean and horrid.

Changing old habits and old ways of doing things is hard, but so is listening to siblings fight day in and day out. You are the adult, take control and introduce the rules for fair fighting. Become the adjudicator of the fight: find out what the problem is, speak sternly about the problem if needed, listen to all sides of the argument around the problem, really care about your children’s feelings and show that care (a hug, a head nod) and mean what you say because you are responsible for the words that come out of your mouth – if you lose it and yell, be responsible for being as immature as your mini cave men.

Conflict resolution is BIG business so why not train your kids up now and help them gain the upper hand in solving violence, aggression and dealing with anger appropriately.

Here is a “Fighting Fairly” handout to put on your wall

(I have it on mine, right near the dining table where EVERYONE can see it).

Have a read of the Anger Volcano too so that you know what’s under children’s anger.