How to build rapport and actively listen to someone

Have you ever wanted to talk to someone and spent ages going over what you should say, how you should say it, and where you should say it? If yes you are attempting to set up rapport with another person.

Rapport is :

one of the most important features or characteristics of unconscious human interaction. It is commonality of perspective: being “in sync” with, or being “on the same wavelength” as the person with whom you are talking. From Wikipedia

Building quick rapport is about being a good listener, but, a good listener listens not just with their ears but with their ears, their eyes and their knowledge.  A good listener listens to body language and takes into account where the other person may have come from and what their experiences may have been (psychological noise). Further, a good listener puts aside their own assumptions, values, judgements and wants (your own psychological noise)

There is a very basic counselling technique called Active Listening. Active listening uses three steps and makes use of all the listening senses: ears, eyes, thoughts, values and understandings. Active listening is made super easy by utilising a simple way of effective attending called SOLER. Both active listening and effective attending (SOLER) are explained below.

Active Listening:

1. “Being there” skills to show that you are listening: SOLER (see below for the SOLER steps)
2. Be aware of and minimise your own psychological noise (your self talk: assumptions/self talk/beliefs/sensitivities), the thiongs that stop you from being a good listener (for me it is often smell…I find it difficult to actively listen when the other person stinks).
3. Recognise and understand the psychological noise (socio/geo/political context) of the other person. What might be their triggers, their background, their way of surviving in the world?

SOLER (effective attending):

S Sit Square on (face the other person or be in a position where you can at least look at the other person)

O Open body language says you want to and are ready to talk.

L Lean slightly forward. Check out how young lovers talk to each other over a table at a coffee shop – they lean toward each other, telling each other they are interested.

E Eye contact is a sign to tell people you are talking and deeply listening to them.

R Relax.  Relaxed body language is far more likely to encourage someone to talk with you than an uptight, I’m busy, body.

Do you think you are a good listener? Good listening, active listening, is hard work because it uses much more than just our ears. The reason we have two ears and just one mouth is because it is twice as hard to listen than it is to speak! Remember that next time you are pretending to listen to someone.

Here’s some short articles that may help make you a better listener and friend:

Building rapport with people
The elements of active listening for child safety
Psychological Noise

Use this article as a training handout: How to build rapport and effectively attend