The body never forgets. I’ve a story: a true and unfrozen story. Hopefully by sharing it will help shed a little light on trauma and how we carry it locked away in our bodies, frozen in time – neither visual or verbalized; rather, emotionally frozen, snapped in the body until triggered and ready to be released.
Trauma was frozen in my perpetual body motion; my life. What a hypocrite I am. How I can relate to my clients while I’m like this? How can I stay with my frozen trauma but not allow it to take over? Stop the head talk Fran. I’m not a hypocrite. I am a person affected by an old trauma. I cope and I heal by knowing my feelings, by investigating their cause and by allowing their strength to make me strong and emotionally healthy.
Many years ago I was a witness to a shocking event, not the victim you understand, just the observer. Something has recently triggered that frozen emotional memory. I’m not sure what exactly; I just have an amazing sadness and an anxiety to go with it.
Around a week ago I began to feel a sadness. I awoke crying, with no memory of what my mind had been playing during sleep. During the day, I just wanted to cry.
“What’s happening,” I voiced to my partner in a search for answers.
“The sad news about my Aunt?” he kindly offered.
I knew it was not that. It was something else: an old, yet distant feeling of great sadness.
“Depression?” No! I am not depressed.
“Menopause?” Yes, I could blame it on menopause, old age or maybe even being crazy.
“Eczema?” Yes, my skin is covered in a rash and I have been feeling terrible (regrettably my partner had been at the end of my frustration re my skin problem). But, the sadness is not rash related: a saint would be pissed off, anyone would be anxious, it’s driving me nuts, but no, that is not it!! I just know that’s not it. God, I began to think I had lost it!
The sadness was not overwhelming; life went on, and it was always just there. I acknowledged the feeling and hoped that it was not a premonition of something that was going to happen. I decided to stop my mind from going there, into stinkin’ thinkin’ mode!
I sat before retiring most nights, reflecting on a few things that make me sad and trying to listen to what I was not hearing in my head.
The loss of my mum? The injustices of this planet? I knew they were not what was bubbling the sadness. I had no idea what it was and I figured it was most probably that I was disappointed with myself because I had been smoking and procrastinating. While I knew these were coping strategies for other stress, I had to stop beating myself up and just go with the flow of feeling sad. No need to be sad about smoking and procrastinating because there was something more important to be sad about….I just didn’t know what!
The feeling of sadness did not go away. It was not a gloom and doom or depression sadness. This was something different: something deep that I couldn’t reach to shift it.
I practiced meditation and self hypnosis to focus on the feeling, rather than my cognitive process of trying to work out what was happening. Doing this gave my self permission to feel, and to stay out of my head. I wanted to understand the feeling of course, but the fact that it wasn’t letting me understand it, tipped me off to instead deeply feel it.
I decided to practice what I preach in the counselling room; to ground myself and stop the head talk: you know, feel the feelings not think the thoughts.
A couple of nights later I awoke and realised that I again had tears rolling down my cheeks, with no memory of what my dream sleep had been about. The next morning I felt heavy and that sad feeling was high: alive and vicious.
I telephoned my sister for her 60th birthday, had a chat, and said how I was looking forward to being with her and my other sister on the weekend to celebrate. I hung up, and started to cry. The tears just rolled. I let them. I had no idea of why I was crying but I figured, let it come: a good cry never hurt anyone!!. At the same time though, my head talk was mean: What the hell is happening to you? What is this about? Get it together woman, you’ve got tax returns to do!
I focused and things returned to normal. I had phone call from an old girlfriend who I hadn’t heard from for a while. We had a great natter and talked about the upcoming 60th birthday celebration. During the day the sadness returned, threefold, and I shed more tears. I refused to sit in the sadness and again refocused on a complicated cognitive task: a technological task. The head talk started. “You’re dumb,” it growled when I couldn’t work the technology.
I was feeling nicely sorry for myself by dinner time! A counselling friend telephoned in the evening; she asked if I was okay. Ever stoic, I said yes … “NO!” was the next answer and I was a blubbering mess!! I was so embarrassed knowing within myself I was okay but also knowing something kept jumping up and telling me all was not well. I couldn’t stop the tears and told my friend of the persistent sad feeling. She gave me permission to have the sadness without having a reason for it, we talked briefly about what the sadness felt like in my body and then we focused on her reason for the phone call.
After the phone call, or maybe it was after the last lot of tears, I felt lighter. And then it all fell into place! I finally knew what it was. I cannot pin point when I understood what had been happening or when and how I figured out what the triggers of the sadness were: it just all fell into place later that evening. Triggers! I was being triggered by frozen memory and grief.
It is often said that the body never forgets trauma and that anniversary’s frequently bring back the body feeling without the head understanding what is happening. My body certainly didn’t forget and the trauma I have carried for years was frozen solid – until the thaw of anniversary time set in.
Many years ago, while strolling with a girlfriend, we witnessed a terrible car accident. Five youths from my home town died instantly when their car collided with a semi-trailer. I stood 500 metres away and saw the tragedy unfold from start to finish: a little red Torana was tossed up into the air, turning twice, and landing bonnet down while the semi screeched to a holt into a ditch some further meters down the road.
The accident happened just out of my town, on the bypass highway, 30 years ago. Although I was traumatized and dreadfully sad for those five lives lost, I have never shed a tear – that is until this week. The sadness that was frozen has finally been released. Maybe there will be a few more tears and that’s okay. I now know what I am dealing with.
The universe triggers an “unfreeze” in strange ways. One does possibly need to understand the triggers, but for healing and integration, it all falls into place if you let it and that’s all I need to know right now. If you don’t let it fall into place, you are just refreezing pain on top of pain on top of pain.
In hindsight and at a cognitive level I have now worked out the trigger to my frozen grief and sadness: the other week while watching the news, a terrible car accident was reported. The young daughter escaped without injury but her mother was killed and her two brothers seriously injured.
The sight of it really shook me and I commented to my son at the time that I hoped everyone else would survive. In addition, there have been numerous serious fatalities reported of late and my body and memory has responded to each of them.
The biggest trigger though was my sister’s birthday. In a few days I am going to join my sister to celebrate her 60th birthday: a big occasion. At the time of the accident, all those years ago, that same sister was coming home, for her big 30th birthday celebration. I had to meet her on the morning following the accident, at the bus stop close to the scene of the accident. It was very traumatic.
Just in case I missed the birthday trigger; the phone call from the old friend … she was the friend I was with when we witnessed the tragedy! Thanks Universe, to me you have given an understanding and a thawing of my sadness and grief.
My words of encouragement to others going through frozen and unknown emotion – stay grounded, focused, and let the emotion/body feeling come. Trying not to beat myself up and getting too lost in the pain was not easy…but I did it. I understand how when it is trapped in your body that it is damn hard not to get sucked into a cognitive process. The body never forgets – listen and speak to your body, rather than always listening and speaking to your mind.
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