Privacy verses secrecy
June 28, 2008 by Megan · 4 Comments
Secrets are bad. They are banned in the Imaginif house and business. Secrets make people all scrambled up in the head. Why would anybody want to hold knowledge that they are not allowed to tell anybody else, ever? Sex predators, paedophiles, child abusers and those in the process of grooming for silence LOVE secrets and LOVE to find people willing to keep secrets. Secrets are bad.
Privacy is good. Privacy has boundaries around it – protectors of information that says that this information is for a limited set of ears only thank you. We have privacy conversations in our home. Master 12 knows that there are some things that are private – information for our family only. One of those privacy rules is his name. Online we refer to him as Boy or Master 12. Privacy is good.
While I am open, I am also fiercely defensive of our family privacy. Therapists lead a life that others like to know about…but, we deserve privacy and a respect of that privacy – we have a work life and a private life where we do things that other people do – boring things. If all we ever did was live our private life by the therapists rule book that says you do no harm and use high level skills, we might just go crazy!
Even though I am a staunch child protection and child rights advocate, it does not mean I am a perfect mother. I have yelled at my children before. I have even smacked Boy with a newspaper before (omg, I nearly died when I did that…sorry Boy…it was a very, very wrong thing for me to do and I am responsible for throwing a tantrum). I have said things to him that I would never say to another person: I have even sworn at him. While I understand the context around all of this stressed parenting syndrome, many of my clients would not. They live still in a black and white world where risk management, shades of grey and human behaviour becomes too confusing and threatening. Therefore, I keep my personal life outside of the counselling room so as not to confuse those struggling to reach their own self determination and understanding. And, my personal life is my personal noise – there’s no room in counselling for my own psychological noise.
Some people are horrified to discover that I am most comfortable, at home, in few clothes (T-shirt and swimmers) and that I often undress in front of Boy (not totally you understand). Boy himself is drama queen horrified and he covers his eyes as though shrinking from me and pretend whinges, as he holds up a finger made Christian cross, “Mum, I thought you were working against child abuse.” Boy knows that my state of undress is a private family thing and that I would just die if ever I was caught like that. Boy also knows that it is not a secret and he takes ample opportunity to make jokes to his friends about it – “…make sure you always ring before coming over so that you don’t have to see Mum in her swimming togs! Urrggghhhhhhhh, vomit.”
Privacy is now gone! Our back garden was very private and none of our neighbours could see in. Preparing for our move, our back garden was yesterday severely cut back for maximum regrowth. Far out….I had forgotten that there were houses, with people who live in them, right next door to us! Today I’ll be wearing a full set of clothes as I potter around the back yard. Why, because my privacy is paramount and I do not want to traumatise anybody outside of my family by having them view me in my swimming togs!!!.
Imaginif moving to 30 James St, North Cairns
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$500.00 per week.
Great location and great neighbours.
About Megan
There are limits Megan, your sarong is now required! the garden has taken a work out alright!
Pack slowly! Keep your sanity please.. so I can call you when I need you!
Birdwing
See Megan, you are normal like most of us. The difference between a smack or discipline is that some don’t know when to stop and I believe there is a difference between a smack and child abuse. Those who do not recognise the difference have a problem. It’s not like we go around smacking our kids when they are really naughty. Been a long hard road but I have found the removing privledge (?) and reward system better, with hiccups along the way to either. Positive re-inforcement of the rules has helped. Much disappointment here with some ideas I heard recently concerning behaviors and lots of difficulty in accepting the views of schools when whatever input I had, seemed to take a back seat to what the school wanted. I felt like my thoughts and real knowledge of a mother wasn’t as important as to what they wanted to hear. I am not a yes person until I have explored all ideas myself and know what works and doesn’t.
Rant over….your back yard looks peaceful. Our yard is very open to neighbors, I’d much rather on like yours
Great take on explaining the differences.
Great photos by the way – that pool looks inviting.
I kept someone else’s secrets for a long time and I totally get what you are saying. Secrets become lies and a tangled mess if you are not careful. I like your take on the difference between privacy and secrets. It all come down to personal boundaries doesnt it – hard for children to comprehend this because I know as an adult I kept the secrets of a violent and abusive ex partner through shame and fear.
Great post and lets hope you get to relax in your togs in your new place. I really love privacy when you are at home or in your backyard. That is what home is all about – to just be yourself and let it all hang out (within reason of course!).