Imaginif...the spirit of Christmas lasted.

Megan reading her self written and heartfelt wedding vows to Paul Martin

I have been on a market research spree, asking people I know what they think of my new self development website. A lovely young marketer I know fed back that my home page left more questions than answers and didn’t really tell anyone what I do. I changed my front page. My daughter Jade,  told me my blog is too boring nowadays, “It has lost its personal and helpful flavour – too much advertising stuff. It needs more You stories.” I thought about this for a while, and today I address a truth about me (ohh, how scary).

Personal development is not just about making yourself a woo hoo feel good person…it is also about dealing with criticism, critique and the stuff you don’t like in the world. I deal with it by now letting it sieve through me like the dirt in a gold pan. As the dirt washes away, I get to keep the gold nuggets. If I resist the dirt, I cannot get the gold.

When we open ourselves up to receive, we must also receive the bad feedback with good feedback. Receiving is about change and non resistance. Resisting the bad just brings more bad because you get what you focus on. Darn but I have had to receive the bad to keep getting the good!

After much trial and even more tribulation, I have learnt how to draw my line in the sand and stop unwanted and co-dependent drama coming into my life. I am sure that some people are hurt by this line and by my firm insistence that they are not invited over to my side of the beach! But, they will get over it (they are responsible for themselves) and perhaps my stance will help them to change as well. Perhaps they will learn to sieve so that the dirt washes away and the gold becomes collected inside them.

There are many things about me that I do not readily share. On recent reflections, I have discovered that my reasons for not sharing are not just because of privacy reasons but because of deep fear: fear that I will be judged, seen as a loony or seen as not credible. Today I break through my own fear barriers, I listen and accept the feedback from others and I tell you a personal story of who and why I am:

• From the ages of seven to 16 there was possibly only a 12 month period where I was not sexually abused during that year. Many perpetrators, my family knew nothing of it because I have been very good at keeping my mouth shut and protecting other people’s secrets. The mouth shutting that I became expert at led to a career where confidentiality was God and putting up with and supporting drama was re-framed as “dealing with it.” While I loved being a counselling social worker (expertise in sexual assault) I am very glad to now be out of it as well.
• I am married three times (divorced twice).
• I married at 18 because I was too scared to leave home. My first husband was a drinker. We were young, I thought I could change the world and I put up with more than I ever knew there were psychological and social deviance categories for! A bout of domestic violence saw me leave the marriage for good when I was 25. I now have a friendship relationship with my first ex husband (my ex ex). He has cancer and attempts to live in as positive and fulfilling way he can. I wish him nothing but the best.
• My second husband was on the rebound and I thought he was the love of my life. He broke my heart when he left without fair warning in 1999. He became a Christian and moved in almost immediately with another woman. I have finally paid out the sexually transmitted debt he left me with (originally $350,000.00 because he declared himself bankrupt) and I continue to live with his accusations against me and his brainwashing (aka parental alienation) of my third child. I have not seen, or spoken to that daughter for over two years. She believes what her father has told her and she chooses to not have anything to do with me. This is the worse thing that has ever happened to me. Of all four of my children, she was the one I was closest to. As I write this, my breath catches in my heart and throat and I feel life desire drain from me….I have experienced this every day for the preceding six years that she has lived with her father. I am fortunate that I am an emotionally strong woman and that I have been surrounded by some very good friend and family supports.
• My third husband (two years this month) is my best friend, my equal and I love him dearly. He does, however, have bipolar and becomes unwell from time to time. He is now medicated and our life is moving along nicely. He recently lost his job and became very unwell. He has been unable to find other employment so he helps me in my self development marketing business (and does a FANTASTIC job – congratulations to him – he’s a great advocate for overcoming life adversity).
• My one remaining child at home (Master 13) has aspergers.

Life at home is often fraught with tension and difficulties. It becomes complicated and sometimes I need to shut the world out. But, because I have invested heavily in myself and do self development daily, I quickly recognise my stinking thinking about life and I move myself further up the emotional guidance scale to a preferred place of emotional being. I keep myself sane by selfishly obsessing on my own personal growth (if only I had learnt this lesson early in life). If I keep myself mentally and emotionally healthy, I can cope with anything.

I have done drugs (when I was a teenager) and I have had some very unhealthy adult relationships. However, my past does not define my today nor does it define who I am. My collective life experiences have merely been the starting point to the rest of my life. I could sit down and cry and moan because I have had a sh*t life, or, I could affirm that my life experience is rich and I can draw upon it at any time. I choose the latter.

Without self development on a daily basis, I doubt I would have the emotional strength to survive my past. I use my past to guide me and push me forward not to sway me and kick me in the guts every chance it gets. I am strong, I am together and I am invincible because I believe in myself and I believe in the goodness of life.

I love to speak and to entertain so invite me to be a guest speaker at your next event – spirited, honest and transparent, I loan you my motivation, my tenacity and my quirkiness. $110.00 per hour plus all expenses, use my personal stories to resonated deeply and create change with your audience.

If you want to copy the successes I have had with self development then do the Beyond Freedom course EVERY DAY (I spend my first half hour of the day submerged in Beyond Freedom – I thoroughly recommend it). I also spend just six minutes a day with Bob Proctor and I read, read, read as many books on self development as I can. My current favourite is Manifest your Desires by Esther and Jerry Hicks (I particularly love their Emotional Guidance scale).

Now, if you want to negatively judge me, go ahead. I have been through, and survived, so much more than your words and criticisms. Say what you will, I sieve out the dirt and hold onto the gold.

More very scary truths about my not so boring life:

The once lovely booby flap

Girl stuff: Private and Confidential

Mema, meme and a personal disclosure

Sad life story: So what!