How to listen
March 4, 2008 by Megan Bayliss · 5 Comments
The reason we have two ears and only one mouth is because it is twice as hard to listen than it is to speak. Yet, so few parents really listen to their children. Parents may often hear the spoken words (usually through one ear while we are day dreaming of a magical life without constant interruptions) but they fail to listen to everything else that the child is saying with their behaviour and their child context.
If you care about your children and if you care about protecting all children from harm, then it is time to listen: to actively listen with both ears and to begin using your mouth as a change agent rather than a constipator. In Australia alone, a child is abused every 13 minutes. In some countries, up to 60% of children are traumatised by the time they are three years old. Our children are at risk of ongoing psychological and physical harm and it is time to listen to them.
Knowing how to listen is as easy as practicing The Elements of Active Listening for Child Safety: Active listening is made up of three elements:
- Effective attending (being there in full – both ears, both eyes and all your senses tuned).To effectively attend there are a number of simple skills to help us show a child that we want to listen to what they have to say. A communication writer called Egan has come up with an acronym to help us to remember: SOLER.
S – Sit square on (face the child at their level wherever possible)
O – Open body posture (make your body language say “I’m here, I’m ready for you”)
L – Lean slightly forward (Watch a new couple. See how they lean toward each other to indicate interest.)
E – eye contact (not all cultures like eye contact but most children like to look at eyes)
R – Relaxed (an angry body is not relaxed, relax your shoulders, hands and face). - Understanding the other persons cultural/social/political or geographical circumstances.We all listen through our own filters. Instead of ear plugs blocking our hearing, our filters are everything that has happened to us, our beliefs, ethics, experiences and preferences. These experiences/preferences can act to block our ability to hear exactly what the other person is saying. I find it hard to listen to people who have sexually abused children. Their child abuse behaviour acts as a filter and blocks me actively listening. I get around this as a counsellor by making it clear that I do not work with perpetrators of child sexual abuse. I do not refuse them help but I do refuse them my help because I know I may not actually be that helpful! I am unable to listen without judging.
- Understanding your own barriers to listening.We all listen through our own filters. Instead of being a cotton ball blocking our hearing our filters are everything that has happened to us, our beliefs, ethics, experiences and preferences. I find it hard to listen to people who may be a bit smelly. The smell acts as a filter and blocks me actively listening. I have got around this by only ever counseling in a well ventilated room where I can open the window if I have to. It is the other person’s right to be listened to fairly so therefore it is up to me to unblock my filters and to give the person my full attention.Similarly, if my mind is full of the mess I’ve left at home, my thoughts become a barrier to me fully listening to what the other person is saying. Worse than that though, is any preconceived thoughts I may have about race, religion or gender. If I sit there thinking that all men are liars, then I have a major listening block – a filter through which I receive faulty information.
When teachable moments, emotional intelligence and active listening are joined together, a potent mix of child safety is delivered. If you are serious about protecting children from harm then it is time to actively listen to that which is also not being said with words.
Can you remember a time you actively listened to your child? Not just their words, but everything in context. How did they tell you what was happening and what happened after you had actively listened to them?
Parts of this article by Megan Bayliss
first appeared online (8.9.06) at families.com in
Make a difference in another child’s life: Actively listen to them.
About Megan Bayliss
Thanks for this wonderful post! Part of breaking the cycle of abuse with my own child has been active listening and respect. Some people don’t seem to think that children deserve respect, but they most certainly do! One thing I’ve done to improve my listening skills with my son is wait before I try to think up an idea to solve a problem or answer a question he asks. I finish listening first. Then, I say something like, “That’s a very good question!” Even if I don’t have an answer (which I admit when I’m stumped), I think the listening is the most important part.
Quote: One thing I’ve done to improve my listening skills with my son is wait before I try to think up an idea to solve a problem or answer a question he asks. I finish listening first.
Marj do you realise how prophetic your words are – I finish listening first. Your sentence sums up the act of active listening – listening is not passive and something that stops whenever the listener wants. We all must finish listening first. I love your phrase and I am going to start using it as a training tool if that is okay with you?
How lucky your son is to have you. I wish you had parents who listened, rather than abused.
That is a great phrase and a great post Megan. I loved the honesty with which you described your filters. It has made me have a think about mine and sometimes the predetermined view that I can sometimes take into a conversation with my children. This does not help my child nor does it help me understand their problem.
Regarding the last time I actively listened, I am having to do it quite a bit with my toddler. He has only a few words, but I find if I crouch down low and watch him closely as he talks/babbles I can tell a lot from his expression. I also can ask him to show me how I can help him. I am finding that I am having greater success in understanding him by doing this rather than just taking a guess at what he wants. The latest instance of this was just before bed, as I went to lay him in the cot he got very upset and started to cry. I put him back on the ground and asked him what it was he needed and he took my hand and led me to his brother’s room, where he kissed them goodnight and then led me happily back to his cot. This has a happy ending, sometimes of course he wants things that I cannot give him and there is more tears. But at least I can explain to him why it is not possible for him to have these things, as opposed to simply dismissing his cries as a pure tantrum.
Great post. Active listening is oh so important and makes such a huge difference in the quality of the communication and even in the relationship as a whole.
I remember when my twins were under 2 – one particular day they were very over tired and trying to get them down for a nap was causing massive melt downs. It took half and hour of the two of them standing on the beds screaming their lungs out for me to realise they were actually in the wrong beds.
My active listening obviously wasn’t so active on that day.
Greta post on listening, Megan! And I really liked the comments! So illustrative of toddlers especially… they know what they want/need and do try so hard to communicate. And as the comments show, we aren’t likely to guess very accurately simply because what’s important to them is so different from what we might be thinking!
And yes to the phrase “finish listening”…WOW!
I read a lot of comments each day and am amazed at how few people even “listen” (ie finish reading) before jumping in with comments…often way off the mark.