Many parents separate thinking it may be best for the children. Sometimes it is; sometimes it is not. When warring parents denigrate the other parent and attempt to turn children against that parent, it is child abuse and it is called Parental Alienation Syndrome.
Lisa from Sunshine Girl On a Rainy Day wrote an excellent article for Imaginif:
Parental Alienation Syndrome
Typifying three different parent alienators; naive, active and obsessed, the article makes for some heart searching reflection and honesty in separated and divorced parents. Are you that abusive parent in Lisa’s article? I have tried my hardest not to be but I know that at times I have been the naive alternator…until I realised that I was reacting to my pain. It’s not always about me though and where children’s welfare is concerned it is always about the children.
Parental alienation is child abuse. It is a child’s right to have contact and the best possible (non abusive) relationship with both parents. It is also a child’s right to live a life free from harm. Please do not become a child abuser just because your partner left you. That is such a childish and abusive thing to do.
Parental Alienation Syndrome remains controversial in Australia. I am keen to hear from parents who have had family court experiences surrounding Parental Alienation Syndrome. What was your experience? How was the alienation dealt with in the court system?
Although it has not been my experience, as a member of several boards over the years there has been a variety of incidents and actions in regard to PAS that should be also addressed.
It is not just a custodial parent who can use (abuse) such techniques.
As a “syndrome” it has now been discredited in the US, as it has been used by some adults to unfairly take children away from custodial parents in legal retributions.
Yes, there is definite abuse of children in some custodial situations – I am in no way denying it. The main thing that should be focussed on in any situation is that the adults should GROW UP and not visit their own carp on the children, and seek help if they cannot deal with it in a constructive way without influencing the children.
Hey Jeanie
the board panel member sounds interesting.
You are so right that it is not always the residential parent. I have been involved in many cases where the non residential parent has used strategies to trick the children into different ways of thinking about their residential parent. I guess that grandparents could also be included in that group too.
Courts in Australia are a bit shy on the syndrome because of the discrediting in the States…but, having said that, PAS does still have a lot of recognition in the States.
It is an interesting area. My view is that whether PAS is professionally accepted or not, I witness the effects of parental childish behaviour on children – where parents do put their own views about the other parent onto kids, it is parentification of a child and totally unacceptable.
I agree with you re adults “growing up.”
I live in the united States. Parental alienation is hitting hard everywhere. I’m on the board of Split N Two and I’m also a child survivor of Parental Alienation. This has been like a ball and chain around my body for years. I would love to see when couples get divorced they have to take a mandatory course about parenting which would include Parental Alienation. No course No divorce.
The destruction of a bond with one parent because of another parent is sad and hurts the child for life. More awareness needs to be made known about parental alienation.
PAS is accepted by some professinals here but not many. Most don’t know of it or they don’t touch it because of the politcal reprecusions it can have. We are waking a sleeping giant in Washington DC this August 15-17 we will celebrate the gift of family.
Chrissy welcome and my apologies for being born to childish parents.
Yes to the course with divorce but I would also like to see everyone take parenting classes before they have kids.
Excellent website on PAS Chrissy and love the idea of the bike trek.
Congratulations to Split n Two and thank you for helping to educate and consciousness raise.
pas is happening in my situation now,im trying to get info on it as i have never experienced anything like this before,im in australia,and my step son is coming back home from visiting his father saying all sorts of stuff about me and his mother and we dont know what to do about it as we are going through court at the moment and no one is listening to us,just trying to find answers,as its taking its toll on my boy
My husband physically threw me from my 3 children’s lives in September 2005. He made false and unfounded allegations of physical and sexual abuse. I was served with an AVO. Access to all three of my children was denied. They remained living with there Father. I had no contact whatsoever with them. In May 2007 I endured a five day trial. At the end of the trial my husband admitted the allegations were false and he signed a document that i had never physically or sexually abused any of my children. After the trial the judge made interim orders. The Father was supposed to take the children to court ordered therapy to re -establish our relationship. The Father refused to. So in September 2007 my youngest Daughter [10 years] was removed from her Father and siblings due to extreme emotional abuse. No contact whatsoever with her Father or Siblings was ordered. The Judge left the older children [12 YO Son & 15 YO Daughter] with there Father due to extreme enmeshment with there Father. I then waited 9 months for the final orders to be handed down. In July 2008 Judgement was finally handed down. After nearly three years of insisting to the courts that my children had been alienated from me and that they were being psychologically abused by their Father ,the Judge found that our case was an extreme case of parental alienation. The Judge warned of the dire psychological harm for all three of the children and how it would inpact on all of them for the rest of their days. He blamed the Father.The Judge concluded that the Father alienated the children from their Mother to punish the Mother [myself] for leaving the relationship. And that it was done without any regards to the Childrens wellbeing or rights. The Two older children remain living with their Father under the banner of …”children’s wishes” even though the Judge states that they are the “evil whispers of the Father”. It was ordered that my youngest daughter have no contact with her Father or siblings whatsoever.The Family Court has failed in its duty of care to all three of my children . I have lost count of the court orders my husband has refused to comply with and nothing is done about it. It is now October 2008. My Daughter and i wish daily that her Father will change his alienating behaviour. I am currently at university finishing an Arts degree, i have researched parental alienation and Family Law as part of my studies. Through my studies i wish to bring awareness to parental alienation and the Legal Culture that facilitates the alienation process. Parental Alienation is a social tradgedy. The only way to stop the alienation is to deal with the alienator. The Family Court does not stop the alienator, so the children continue to be psychologically abused. Parental Alienation is child abuse. Parental Alienation is not a gender issue. It is the behaviour of adult-centered emotions with harmful effects for the Children. When severe as in my case, it reflects vengeful behaviour and lack of care about the welfare of the child and their bond with the alienated parent .
Please contact me in regards to Parental Alienation [ I HAVE LEARNT ALOT!] I am happy to offer advice. Thankyou kindly Debra Rankin
I’m a PAS victim. My children (son & daughter) were abducted from me August 1999 by ex husband post divorce. I walked out on him (loveless marriage) because I can’t be his slave anymore. There is no specific therapy for it in Perth WA. Here I’m labelled a mother with inconsolable grief disorder. My medication – just go home it will sort itself out or you can take depression drugs. In my case I’m not into such drugs because it’s PAS – the only cure for it is to be able to be with my children (gain contact without strings from ex clan/ evil power over us). Yes, I’m a 100% cut off mum from my two children. All overseas legal avenues rejected by the other parties. Only God can resolve this insane cycle. I don’t know where my children are. I found a guy in QLD that helps PAS families. I have decided to go for hypnotherapy under the mental health plan to help manage this insane issue plus all other personal issues. I believe it can work for me. To sort myself out will make me a stronger mum so I can deal with life better while I wait for their return. As adults, I believe my children will come home to me when they are ready. Like people in my boat I just have to move on with life. Be glad for the true family & friends that love me vs. All PAS Australian (family, Friends & community) need to stop this cycle. As long as the law is toothless only capital punishment can sort out all those evil individuals that can’t give up their power over abused victims. Psalm 28:4. Take care. An
Debra Rankin, how can I contact you, please? My daughter is going through this and watching her suffer is killing me. I too have lost my grand daughters because of it. From having a loving and trusting, close relationship with her daughters, since they have been in his care they have become suspicious, wary, deceitful liars, and we also suspect one is keeping contact mainly to spy and report back to the ex. It is breaking us down, blow by blow. He is encouraging this corruption of their morals and values just by refusing to allow my daughter to talk to them (and him) about it. They have undergone such a shocking personality change in such a short time. We really need help and advice with this.
Hi Karen
I hope that Debra Rankin reads this and makes contact – do I have permission to put Debra in contact with you (via email) if Debra contacts me? Without Debra’s permission I cannot hand over her email address.
Megan, thank you, yes. You may give her my email address. I hope she does get in touch.
Hi again Karen
I emailed Debra Rankin but the email was returned suggesting she no longer has that address. I can only hope that she has a google alert on her name Debra Rankin and that she jumps in here to see what is being said about her in relation to parental alienation syndrome.
Megan, thank you for trying. I hope we can find some answers, and help to sort this out.
I do appreciate you trying.
I was married for 17 years and 4 years after the birth of my Daughter my wife decided we should divorce but would have 50/50 shared care of my baby girl. This was all going fine until the ex married her boyfriend(a man old enough to be her father) and decided that 50/50 shared care was no longer conveniant for her (that was about 14 months ago) My daughter came out with the statement “Mum is right you are an asshole”. I last saw my daughter in December last year. When I rang to try and see her for Christmas I was greeted by the ex with a tirade of abuse and hung up on. Numerous registered letters and cards sent to my daughter produced no response I had to resort to sending her birthday card to her school. Now the ex has decided that an extended touring holiday around Australia without the need to tell me she is taking my daughter out of the state is quite fine. The quandry is do I go to the Family Law Court and stop the trip until I give permission and risk me being blamed for more faults in the eyes of my daughter or just continue to be treated as I am and sit back and wait for my daughter to make up her own mind . All the time sitting here suffering deppression or just let go? or maybe just check out of the world. Tasmanian judiciary is very unhelpful
PS My baby girl is now 10
I am a Grandmother to two boys. Their Mother is my daughter. She was divorced in Dec last year, after 12 years of Marriage and 4 years of seperation. In the begining the share care was working really well. The boys seemed to be handling things ok, but then their Dad met another woman. This woman is self opinionated, controlling, and dominant. Soon after they moved in together she had convinced the boys to move in with them, she promised a 6 bedroomed house, with a swimming pool, all together living happily ever after. Both boys moved in but the younger one stayed only a matter of weeks and was home again. The older one however is still there and has become abusive towards his mother, wont accept calls from here. When she rings he tells her to “piss off” “Fuck off ” “leave us alone” etc etc. Today a restraining order was delivered, restricting the mothers contact, (not that there was much of that before) This other woman now has 100% control over our child, and is demanding that my daughter pay her to look after him??This started off with her telling the boys about how they had “Rights” and how they could do what they wanted to do and that there mother was “Pathetic” and how she makes “big deal” out of every thing. They have slowly poisoned his mind and there seems little we can do. We regret letting the boys move in with these people, but then again if we had stopped them they would have resented us for that also. It feels like a “No win” situation. Does any one know a lawyer and/or a psychologist in W A who deals with kids with this Syndrome??
PS Adrian Burns… Try to keep yourself together, this is a syndrome, it is child abuse…you hav nt done anything wrong, dont leave this world,voluntarily cause your daughter is being abused..One day she will need you……
I meant to write just a few words but it turned into a braindump…
I am in Perth WA. I am desperately looking for help in the PAS situation I finally find myself in. I am a professional, level headed & logical IT worker that has been carefully negotiating my way through the Family Court system for approx 1 year following 26years of marriage. I have been almost saintly in the gentle way I accepted the situation with no anger and even forgave the occaisions of adultery of my ex wife and, after she left me, cheerfully moved on with my own life in the happiest positive separation a separating family could wish for. I met the man my ex-wife wanted to setup her new life with, drank a beer and the three us promised to get along for the best welfare of the kids. We even drew up and signed a 50-50 time split agreement with both kids and special emphasis was put on the statement “you will not be replaced as the Father – that could never happen”. I was concerned about admissions that followed later that the new man had a criminal record including drug dealing (heroin user), arson, assault, receiving stolen goods etc; but he said he was reformed and I couldn’t really see how I could do anything except hope that this man really was reformed and that he wouldn’t affect the kids – how pathetically naive I was. The effect he had on my ex wife and Daughter was dramatic. Two/three months after the separation, I started dating new women and began moving on with my life positively. My ex-wife and her partner became progressively more unreasonable and I lost my first girlfriend to death threats. It appeared that I was far too happy and the strong happy relationship I had always had with my kids continued – I even had the kids more than the 50-50 split so that my ex could find and setup a new rental house. I’d always been a capable and loving carer and my whole world revolved around the children. I was happy to be free of her even though I was left the huge liability of multiple debts and the previous marital home – a hugely expensive shed + two caravans on a 5 acre block on which we had failed to complete building the dream home we’d planned (ran out of money after a vindictive work supervisor crucified my career for reasons I can only guess. I subsequently lost the ability to stay off a slowly descending debt spiral. I was still happy because I love my kids deeply and I was just about getting by; whilst planning to get a new job and make a financial comeback. My Ex Wife then hammered me in CSA – greedy for me to not only cover all marital debts and liabilities and all the kids school fees and expenses but also to provide her with a healthy lump sum to live off (1 year later neither of them actually work for a living – I suspect they scam workers comp and centrelink payments and divert the kids money to their own personal uses). My ex struggled with her new man and confided in me about her problems with him in more detail then I wanted to hear. I tried to be her friend and be sympathetic/constructive as I had been for the last 26years but she started to get ridiculously needy and made it clear she wanted to come back to me. I, of course, am not a total mug and gently but firmly declared that we had run our course. Suddenly I had created a woman scorned – hating every fibre of my being and in alliance with a criminal boyfriend egging her on with various illegal activities against me and my property (and all the time in the world to do it). Together they became more and more bullying and intimidatory in their actions. I dug my heels in, refused to be bullied and responded with Police and court action to protect myself. They have been successfully charged for threats to injure involving firearms and over 3 dozen Violence Restraining Order breaches. The criminal court magistrate sees that we are in a Family court situation and so regards the VRO breaches as minor(!) as they are technical breaches/contacts/threats (I haven’t been physically attacked yet but I’m physically fit and permanently on guard for it).
The Family court has been provided with irrefutable evidence of my ex-wife and her partners denigration of me to my kids (plus whats been happening in Criminal court). My Daughter used to love me but now hates my guts and spouts all sorts of lies and nonsense without letting me reason with her and set things straight. My daughter and the mother recently burgled my home to steal, then destroy, some of my special personal possessions in an unwarranted hate attack – I am forced into a situation of prosecuting my own daughter as she has no boundaries or role models of decent proper behaviour any more. The family court awarded full custody of my son to me and we were happy until the mother started undermining everything I did with him also (she had two days per fortnight visitation of him at her home and telephone contact whenever my son was happy to chat to her). He recently became angrier and angrier with no sensible reason then started to accuse me of lying and “doing things” to the mother but never giving me a chance to reply (I’ve never done anything unpleasant to the mother – not even name calling – unless you count using the Police/Courts to deal with illegal activity against me [burglarys, threats to injure, cutting house power lines, nails on my driveway, sharp objects through the side walls of my car tyres, swear words scratched into my property, offensive messages scrawled outside my home to scare/encourage parents into not letting their kids play with mine, CCTV damage, replacing my entry locks with different ones etc].
I lost my 13yo daughter to PAS in the first two months of the separation. Now my son has gone 13months later, his mind poisoned in similar fashion (he left my care against court orders, the court just suspended the orders that were in my favour and then refused to return my son to me pending final orders hearing in november).
So things don’t look so crash hot for me right now. My hearts been broken for the second time and I’m left with zero communication with both my 14yo Daughter and 11yo Son. I will keep fighting (metaphorically speaking) to the bitter end to try and rescue them from a life in which they are likely to end up like their new dad and mum ie scum.
Can anyone out there suggest something that will actually help? I don’t want pity or sympathy – I need some sort of strategy or knowledge that will save my kids from these two monsters. I have intelligence and positive energy but I’m starting to wonder if it’s all pointless – The Mother gets to love and raise the kids, right? The Father exists to pay the bills only – Men don’t have feelings or rights or needs, just obligations.