Children Learn the Cycle of Violence from our Parenting

August 27, 2007

The Cycle of Violence is a pattern of behavior that occurs in many relationships. Mother/daughter, husband/wife, father/son, mother/children, etc. It is an insidious and vicious pattern of behaviour that refuses to use the communication strategies of emotional intelligence, relying instead upon family members reacting through through behaviors rather than clearly identifying and calmly stating their case.

Why are so many adults sucked into the Cycle of Violence and cannot leave the abusive relationship? Because they have learnt it as children and they wrongly think that the cycle is normal and acceptable. It is neither.

This is how children learn the cycle of violence from our parenting:

The over worked and tired mother awoke this morning with parenting conviction anew. During the night she had slept badly, worried that she was yelling at the kids too much. Leaping out of bed, eager to start a new day, she said aloud to her mirror, “I’m not going to yell at the kids today. I love my children and I am not going to yell!”

Big kids off to school, Mother tackles the housework. Out comes the vacuum to begin its assault on the floors. Little Jenni is at the table, coloring in, and wants a drink before Mum starts the noisy machine. Annoyed that her vacuuming is delayed, Mother gets little Jenni a drink of milk, puts it down in front of her, and very clearly tells Jenni, “Don’t spill the milk!”

I don’t know why we mothers continue to give little ones the plastic cups of near same circumference top and bottom. They are a disaster waiting to happen. Little ones need beakers with large bottoms, narrower top openings, to stop the clumsy knock overs.

Just about to pick up the vacuum again, Mother hears a steady trickle of liquid spilling from the table to carpet below. Looking agape, Mother sees Jenni, fingers in her mouth, watching the last dribble of milk leaving the cup.

Explosion

Down, mother throws the vacuum cleaner. Muttering under her breath, she runs to the table to pick the cup up. Too late. The milk has nicely soaked into the carpet. She yells at Jenni, “I’m sick of telling you. Don’t spill the milk. This place smells like baby vomit. For once Jenni, can’t you just do as you’re told.”

Jenni cries and Mother angrily tires to soak up the milk-engorged carpet. “Stop that crying Jenni. Now!” Jenni cries more. She hates it when Mummy yells at her. Jenni runs to her bedroom and sobs into her pillow.

Mother feels horrible. She gets all remorseful and wishes she hadn’t broken this morning’s promise not to yell at the kids. “Why do I yell,” she silently asks herself. “Why do I throw a tantrum when the kids do something age appropriate?”

Remorse

Going to the heart broken Jenni, Mother strokes her hair and whispers soothing words of love and care into her little ear. “I’m sorry baby,” she cries herself. “Mummy is so naughty sometimes. I need a good smack. I’m sorry I yelled at you. How about we leave the vacuuming and we’ll read a story together?”

Buyback

Jenni chooses a story and enjoys having Mother all to herself. After three stories, Mother announces, “It’s such a beautiful day, why don’t we walk down to the park for a play on the swings.

Honeymoon

Holding hands they set off together. A beautiful day, they chat together about the dogs they meet, the people they see, and the critters Jenni tries to catch. Jenni is on cloud nine. She really likes Mummy when she’s like this. Mummy is fun.

Normal

Passing by Mrs. Fitch’s house, Jenni stops to admire the pretty flowers growing along the front fence. Mrs. Fitch is a bit of an old witch. She watches her precious flowers and flies out when she sees sweet little children who may want to steal her prize wining blooms. While Jenni bends forward to smell the big red rose, Mum spies cranky Mrs. Fitch peering through her front screen. Rather than tell Mrs. Fitch that its okay, Jenni is only going to smell the flower, Mum instead directs the conversation to her three-year-old daughter. In a cross tone, she directs Jenni, “DON’T PICK THE FLOWER!” Satisfied that Mrs. Fitch now knows that this is a good mother who won’t allow willful acts of destruction, Mum stands with her hands on her hips waiting for Jenni to finish her smell. Jenni didn’t like the tone in Mum’s voice; it was a cranky tone, so she decides to punish Mum by not holding hands.

Tension Build Up

Running ahead of Mum, Jenni is keen to get to the park. She ignores mother’s pleas to slow down. If Mother can’t keep up, too bad, Mother will have less time at the park. A road ahead, Mother yells for Jenni to “STOP. NOW!” Jenni stops. She was never going to cross the road anyway. No need for Mother to be so horrible. By the time Mother reaches for Jenni’s hand, Mother is worn to a frazzle. She snatches the little hand too hardly and pulls Jenni into line. “Stop it Jenni or we won’t go to the Park. Do as you’re told or do nothing at home.”

Stand Over

Jenni and Mother are both walking on eggshells. Mother is waiting for Jenni to throw a tantrum and Jenni is waiting for Mother to spoil the day. Safely in the park, Jenni runs straight for the sandpit. There’s another child happily playing alone but is willing to share the sand toys with Jenni. Holding out a scoop to give Jenni, the child is greeted with a solemn Jenni who pokes her tongue and grabs the scoop without saying thank you. Mother angrily pontificates at Jenni, “Use-your-manners-young-lady!” Fed up with everyone who just can’t understand her, Jenni picks up a scoop full of sand and skillfully tips it onto the head of the other child.

Explosion

Mortified, and worried about what the other child’s parent will say, Mum explodes. “How dare you do that Jenni. You are a very naughty little girl. Just you wait until your father hears about this disgraceful behavior. Get up! Get up NOW. No park for bad little girls. I just cannot take you anywhere. You are a disgrace and an embarrassment!”

…and so the cycle of violence is learned by our children. If something is learned, it can also be unlearned. Are you an emotionally intelligent parent with the gumption to break the insidious nature of the cycle of violent parenting? I hope so. I know it can be done because I used to be like Jenni’s mother. Once too often I saw the look of sadness in my child’s eyes. When I recognised it as the look of abuse, I immediately changed my behaviours and parented in a non violent way where feelings are given words and those words shared vocally, rather than acted out. Try it. Raise children, not abused children.

A variation of this article by Megan Bayliss (How Children Learn the Cycle of Violence) first appeared at families.com in Sept 2006.

For further learning around breaking the Cycle of Violence, try these child focused articles:

Domestic Violence and the Impact on Children

Teaching Emotional Intelligence for Personal Safety and Clear Communication

Teaching Emotional Intelligence: A Job for the Intelligent Parent

Posted by Megan Bayliss | Filed Under Child Safety & Protection, Parenting