How to cope with change
June 25, 2008
Coping with change is an issue that drives many people to therapy. Me too! Lucky I’ve got two other therapists here to therapise me.
At Imaginif, we have begun the packing process, cleaning process, moving process and….. the insanity process. Agggghhhhhh!!!! There, that feels better 
because I am managing my emotion rather than allow my emotions to become overwhelmed with the constant and demanding change.
Change is somewhat scary and threatening to many. Just as emotions have to be managed, so too does change. If a person can manage to get out of bed and live this hectic life, then they are already managing. If they can manage life, they can manage change, because life changes: constantly.
To manage change, it needs to be seen as a task. The task is then broken into smaller tasks - little parts that can be worked on, one at a time if needed. The completion of each mini sub task is an achievement, an act of management, a success.
Change is constant in life; a good thing or we’d all die of boredom. Unfortunately, what is not always so good is negative thoughts (stinkin’ thinkin’) about change. If your thoughts are telling you that you cannot cope, then you may not. If your thoughts are telling you that you can manage this change by breaking it into small, easily achievable parts then you will no doubt cope with the change.
Moving, divorce and death are all changes that rate high on the stress scale. We are moving, we are stressed, but I don’t think any of us are contemplating divorce or death. Why? Because we are managing our change. We are coping with a stressful situation by breaking the days into smaller moving tasks.
Apart from coping with change, what is different at Imaginif?
Talk doctor Rebekah did the last training at 206 Jensen St yesterday. She still has some clients booked in but apart from that, we are preparing to move to our new premises at 30 James St.
Rebekah and I are both going to have some time off from scheduled appointments: no new counselling, supervision, training or consultations until we kick off at the new place on July 14. Talk doctor Fran (just back from a six week holiday in the Mediterranean) will be working on Palm Island for a week so she’s out of the office anyway (lucky woman - that’s a great way to manage ).
And….when we are firmly entrenched at 30 James Street, we are going to offer telephone counselling. Many people find it difficult to physically access a counsellor. Issues of access, mobility and often even depression or toxic shame prevent some people from thriving in a therapeutic relationship. We have heard this from the many people who ring or email and we are providing you a service that suits your needs. Talk doctor Fran will become the designated life coach telephone counsellor and sessions will be at half the rate of a face to face session. No matter where you live in Australia now, you can access the fantastic therapeutic services available at Imaginif. Sign up for our newsletter so that you do not miss announcements and special deals surrounding this new service.
Want to change manage your anger? Know this:
The Anger Volcano: Anger is a secondary emotion.
Play is children’s work
June 23, 2008
Play is an important, healthy and functional part of development. If children are denied opportunity for play their development becomes constipated.
Social Workers and Psychologists assess for age and development appropriate play tools and opportunities in child safety and family assessments. With age appropriate play comes risk management. Parents who spend time thinking about the range of activities and how to minimise risk around those activities generally have well adjusted children - children who are doing their job of being children.
Many parents also play. An accepted form of a mental health top up, play keeps us fresh, invigorated and in touch with our family priorities. In Cairns our opportunity for outside play is endless. A beautiful part of the world characterised by outdoor living, palm trees and ocean, our Muddy’s Playground is a place I love to go to play work at
I’m not sure who has the better time at Muddy’s Playground on the Cairns Esplanade, Master 12 or myself. One thing is for sure though - clean teeth is a must when visiting this park, kids. There are so many birds that it would be dreadful if a bird flew into your mouth and started picking out all the food! Master 12 wouldn’t believe it a possibility….until a bird started following him around! Risk manage around child safety and make sure you clean your teeth!
The kewl chicky babes from Three Times Kewl are coming to visit Cairns. I’ll be taking them to work - at Muddy’s. This is the range of outdoor, child safe, child friendly, development oriented play they can expect:
The respectable addiction: Workaholism
June 21, 2008
My name is Megan Bayliss and I am a workaholic. Once I was proud of this because that is what my world expected of me, and I had developed the disease to please. Now I am ashamed of it and I struggle daily to keep on the straight and narrow. Last night, a kewl little blonde girl, reminded me that life is not all about work and that sometimes “cracking it” is an okay thing to do.
My second marriage failed because of my workaholism (amongst other things). It was common for me to be writing court reports on my lap top, in bed, at 3am. I spent little time with my family and I failed to hear and see the warning signs. I was disconnected from myself, my emotional intelligence and the people closest to me. I was a disaster waiting for a divorce to happen. It did, I crashed and I took two years out to beat my addiction.
I recovered. For years I stood up to the voice of addiction telling me to work harder, work more, work while the sun shines, work while the work is being offered, just work, work, work. One day, in the previous six months, the stronger voice of addiction snuck back in and drowned my ability to stand up to it. My voice of strength gave up and my old addictive patterns of workaholim returned. I have been working ridiculous hours and taking on more that humanly possible for an aging social worker. I have become disconnected from my emotional intelligence and my family.
But….I love work and I love busy. I love it far more than chocolate because I consume work every single minute of my waking day. Chocolate is no good for me, I know that and I have strategies in place to ensure that I do not become an obsessive chocolate eater. Why the hell haven’t I done that with work then if my style of work is more toxic to me than chocolate?! What sort of a dummy am I?
Today is the day that I again face my demons, that I become emotionally intelligent and I stand up to my pre socialised pattern of over working. I want to spend time with my family. I want to play Uno, I want to have time to go to the eco shop and ask about gray water tanks. I want to become the green child protection advocate that I always wanted to be, rather than the over working lefty daughter of a conservative family. My hard work somehow made my left thinking more acceptable. What a load of rubbish, rhetoric and cognitive dissonance to make my addiction appear nice!
I will not work today. It is the weekend! I will play Uno and Switch and maybe even bribe the boys to play Scrabble with me (see, ever the capitalist ). I will face that which I hate more than Tripe: housework. Imaginif is moving home and office and this one has to be packed and cleaned. In an effort to avoid that which I hate, I easily succumbed to the seductive moves of my old lover; workaholism. Go away workaholism, you may be acceptable in the failing eyesight of a capitalist society, but in my eyesight you are a killer, a perpetrator of child abuse and a part of me that I do not wish to have dominant.
I am stronger than the voice of addiction and the voice of a political ideology that rewards respectable addictions and hides child abuse. I am Megan; a mum, a wife and a lover of the natural environment. I am strong and I am emotionally intelligent.
Thank you to the golden child, Miss J, for helping me to re-perspect “cracking it.” I cracked it last night - I made a decision to stand up to myself and take responsibility for my happiness and health. Thank you J. I’ll go for a walk later on and take a photo of something nice in Cairns for you to fall in love with…and when you come to Cairns, I’ll take you to the beautiful spot so that we can all play there together.
Consistent parenting messages
June 15, 2008
Are you a hypocrite in your parenting messages? The fastest way to lose your child’s respect is to not practice what you preach.
Domestic violent and sexual perpetrators frequently give mixed messages: a tactic of power and control. A hypnotic technique the mixed messages are designed to break down a victim’s cognitions and lull them into a state of confusion, silence and helplessness. Don’t give mixed parenting messages to your children. I train people to hear mixed messages and resultant confusion as a warning bell - an early warning sign that not all is well.
Next time you offer a piece of parenting advise or life coaching, consider whether you are about to use a tactic of power and control or if you are giving a consitent parenting message. Listen to your child and join with them in their adventure of learning and self discovery.
Thanks to Chris Austria, parent, and author of the Wat da Wat?. I really enjoyed his post and comic at Monk Mojo’s 1000 cuts. It made sense to me and I’ll be making the comic into a wall poster for my therapy room.
Divorced parents and Parental Alienation Syndrome
June 5, 2008
Many parents separate thinking it may be best for the children. Sometimes it is; sometimes it is not. When warring parents denigrate the other parent and attempt to turn children against that parent, it is child abuse and it is called Parental Alienation Syndrome.
Lisa from Sunshine Girl On a Rainy Day wrote an excellent article for Imaginif:
Parental Alienation Syndrome
Typifying three different parent alienators; naive, active and obsessed, the article makes for some heart searching reflection and honesty in separated and divorced parents. Are you that abusive parent in Lisa’s article? I have tried my hardest not to be but I know that at times I have been the naive alternator…until I realised that I was reacting to my pain. It’s not always about me though and where children’s welfare is concerned it is always about the children.
Parental alienation is child abuse. It is a child’s right to have contact and the best possible (non abusive) relationship with both parents. It is also a child’s right to live a life free from harm. Please do not become a child abuser just because your partner left you. That is such a childish and abusive thing to do.
Parental Alienation Syndrome remains controversial in Australia. I am keen to hear from parents who have had family court experiences surrounding Parental Alienation Syndrome. What was your experience? How was the alienation dealt with in the court system?
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Do you know what bibliotherapy is? Click Megan's book to learn how to use a story to solve a problem.
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