You do not trust yourself NOT to SELF-HARM?
November 30, 2007 by Rebekah · 3 Comments
You do not trust yourself to NOT self harm The fear rises within you – it looks like this:
- Heart beating fast
- Thumping or skipping beats of the heart
- Churning stomach
- Difficulty breathing
- Trembling
- Sweating
- Tingling
- Suffocating feeling
- Iron band around head
- Dizzy or light headed
- A lump in the throat
You want to FIGHT or RUN or you might feel FROZEN on the spot – the fear feels bigger than you – stronger than you – ready to overtake you and send you crazy. The fear might feel so big that you think you are going to die. Your body and mind feel like they are splitting apart – you stand outside of your body looking on. Your body feels detached like you don’t exist or that you have fallen into a deep hole disconnecting from the reality of the world. Frightening thoughts cling and the more you try to forget them the more the thoughts stick. The fear feels like it has taken hold of you and you have lost the power and control over your own life. You are left standing alone, unsafe and overwhelmed.
And right at this moment when you are left standing alone with your emotions left raw from the intensity of your fear – you feel a sense of sadness and anger engulf you and you begin to wonder – You reflect on the fact that you want to feel real – you want to feel something other than fear – you want to be like everybody else – you just want to be ‘normal’. BUT you can’t be normal you keep telling yourself – how can you be normal when you cut your own skin. How can you trust yourself not to cut your skin?
It doesn’t matter if you don’t trust yourself right now – I am not asking you to but I want you to know that you are not a coward and you do not have to cure yourself. You let your mind and your body do the curing – stand aside from your body and let the healing process take over – your mind and your body have been responding to the wrong messages – these messages are from your past and they come from someone who has told you that you are worthless and undeserving. You need to learn new messages and you can learn these new messages through the support of others including professional support. Once you have learnt new messages – trust your mind and body to respond faithfully to these new messages just as the mind and body has responded so faithfully to the wrong messages.
DO NOT let these wrong messages continue to stop you from living a life that you deserve. DO NOT stop trusting yourself. DO NOT stop believing that one day it will be different. DO NOT give up on life because peace is just around the corner. DO NOT forget that your mind can become tired from fighting the fear. DO NOT let anything stand in the way of reaching your full potential. DO NOT stop surviving. DO NOT despair because I know how easily you do despair.
One day, not today but one day – with support, guidance and empathy you will be able to trust yourself again and once you trust yourself again – your skin will breath a new lease of life and be forever radiant to the outside world.
Trick or treat – cut, cut, cut says the voice
November 1, 2007 by Rebekah · Leave a Comment
TRICK OR TREAT – Cut, Cut says the voice.
Tricking myself out of self-harm or treating myself by self-harming?
article by Rebekah Allen
The story below is fictional and does not make any reference to anyone known by the writer.
The story of Janet
Janet is an articulate, gentle, softly-spoken and intelligent young woman. Janet is twenty-two (22) years old and is the oldest child of six (6) children – Janet currently lives with her grandparents and younger brother (aged 18). Janet was sexually and physically abused by her biological father from the age of 7 through to 14 years old. Janet’s father would often threaten to kill her dog and/or her younger siblings if she spoke up about their ‘affair’.
The twenty-two (22) year old cannot express her emotions through language and views language as an inadequate communication tool to express the emotion that lies within the folds of her skin. Janet utilises self-harm to speak about the inner demons that plague her through the night – Janet utilises self-harm to speak about the ‘monster within her mind’ that plays tricks on her and leaves her feeling like she is on the edge of a cliff swaying in the wind.
Janet within a group setting
In observing Janet in a group setting, she continually shifts from side to side in her chair, clenching her fists and rubbing the soles of her feet across the carpet. Janet’s eyes shift nervously around the room as the other participants in the group talk about their inner states. It appears that Janet wants to speak up but when confronted by the group leader – Janet shrinks back into her chair and points hesitantly at the fresh ‘cut’ on her inner leg. The group leader encourages Janet to use her words – initially Janet stumbles but eventually Janet voices a little of who she is and why self-harm is important to her.
Janet’s story
“I have played many roles in my life and sometimes I get confused by which mask I am wearing on any particular day. Sometimes the confusion of who I am becomes so real that everything around me seems distant and chaotic. Most of the time however, I am usually playing two specific roles – one where I am the good girl and other one is when I play the bad girl. When I am playing the good girl, I love everyone, I forgive my father, I look after my siblings, I read the bible and I go to my university classes every day. When I am being a good girl I don’t cut my skin and I have nice thoughts about who I am.
When I am being the bad girl, I cut, I take drugs, I drink alcohol, I have sex with as many men as I can, I hate my father and I want to kill myself. And the whole time I am being the bad girl I hear these voices in my head – I am bad, I deserved it, I wanted it to happen, I should just do myself in, everyone would be better off without me, I am dirty, I am damaged and I am ugly. Cut, cut, cut says the voice over and over again. I want to cut the badness out of me so that I can see it leave my body and then I will truly be good – it is kind of like being kind to myself by removing the badness.
Janet takes a deep breath and slumps into the chair. After sometime, Janet lifts her head and quietly admits to the other group members that talking about her pain leaves her feeling tired and helpless. Janet reflects on the fact that when she cuts her skin she feels powerful, in control and energised by the newness of the cut. Janet lowers her head again and reveals that although she can now see that she gains short-term relief by cutting, in the long-term she is only avoiding what she has to face up to. Janet wants to control the urge to hurt herself because she has so many things she wants to achieve in her life.
Tricks or treats
From Janet’s story it becomes evident that Janet is being tricked into believing that she is treating herself with kindness by ‘cutting the skin’ – Janet is confusing the feeling of power as the ultimate control over her voices and her feelings. Janet will eventually realise that she has obtained her voices (beliefs) from someone who has taken away her rights to own her sexuality and sense of self. Janet has been tricked into believing that she is no good by someone who has used power to keep her silent. Janet will eventually realise that by voicing her pain through a variety of mediums she can move through the initial urge to cut.
Being kind to oneself is a life long process that is obtained through life experience and the passing of time. ‘Cutting’ the skin is not treating the self with kindness it is treating the self with contempt and hatred. However, as much as a self-harmer may know this on an intellectual level, the emotional pain reaches far beyond the intellect. Janet’s story is becoming more and more common as our society evolves and the topic of sexual abuse is brought to the forefront of our minds. From a holistic and community perspective – be kind to yourself first, then be kind to others, and then be kind to the environment, and then be kind to those you don’t know AND finally by being kind to all of the above, the kindness will spread and reach into the emotional self – matching the intellect.
A conversation about self-harm
October 25, 2007 by Rebekah · 5 Comments
If you could ask someone, especially a young person about their self-harming behaviours – what questions would you ask? Below is a BRIEF fictional re-count of what I would ask from a professional perspective. In order to understand the act of ‘cutting’ I must learn what the act of ‘cutting’ means to the individual and how it has helped them to survive their internal and external worlds.
Article by Rebekah Allen
If anyone wants to add to these answers please feel free to contact me so that I can add more voices to the individuals who ‘cut to survive’ It is only through them that we can ever hope to understand the complexities that surround this act of continued existence.
Question: WHAT does it mean to you to be called a self-injurer, self-harmer and/or a self-mutilator?
Answer: It means that I have found a way to distract myself from my emotional and spiritual pain which generally helps me to cope with life.
Question: WHAT parts of the self do you hurt when you harm yourself?
Answer: Of course it hurts me physically, but sometimes my body feels so detached, disconnected and disjointed that the act of ‘cutting’ my skin provides me with a sense of reality and connection to the outside world.
Question: WHAT have you noticed triggers your self-harming behaviours?
Answer: Sometimes I want to harm myself because I am angry or sad about something in my life. Then a voice inside my head starts yelling and screaming abuse at me, telling me that I am no good or worthless. I can’t cope with this voice – it is so loud and it feels so real. I can’t feel anything emotionally at this point but I know that I am no longer connected to the people or environment around me. ‘Cutting’ brings me back and helps me to survive that moment or situation in my life at the time.
Question: WHY do you keep your self-harming behaviours a secret if it helps you?
Answer: Because I know what people think about it and they will think I am crazy if they find out I ‘cut’ myself in order to keep myself alive.
Question: HAVE you sought help to deal with your desire to self-harm?
Answer: I have sought help and they (professionals) keep telling me to stop. If I could stop then I wouldn’t be asking for help. And that is why ‘cutting’ works for me – I can show people how I really feel inside instead of having to talk about it – I have a cut and/or burn to show them and this cut speaks my words for me – the cut or burn is red, puffy, sore, deep, scarred, painful and healing all at the same time.
Question: As you said, you have a cut to show people how you feel – yet you keep your self-harming behaviour a secret?
Answer: To you it doesn’t make sense but to me it makes perfect sense. The cut is a visual display of my pain. I don’t have to share it if I don’t want to but to me it represents everything that is under the skin. And if I really have to show someone how I feel inside I can just show them my cuts.
Question: Do you think that ‘cutting’ is like drinking alcohol or taking drugs?
Answer: Yes, I guess it is. I know from my own experience when I first cut myself it was to experiment to see how it felt and also because I liked the risk taking factors about cutting. It gave me a sense of power too – I could control my own existence. Then after some time I started using ‘cutting’ whenever I noticed an uncomfortable feeling arise within me. Now it seems like my best friend.
Question: If you had a magic wand and you could stop yourself from harming your skin – WHAT would you do?
Answer: I would get help and learn to speak with my real voice like other people do. I would confront the person who took away my sense of self. I would tell other people that ‘cutting’ only works in the short-term and that it actually makes you feel worse about yourself. I would stand up for who I am and I would become a ‘survivor’. I would learn new ways of dealing with the world. I would learn to forgive myself for my urges to self-harm. I would choose life. AND finally I would never be silent again.
To the many self-harmers that walk upon the path of self-injury – you are not alone and although you might not see the light ahead or above – be certain that you carry a light within you that reaches far beyond anything that is visual to the eye.
‘Cutting’ to communicate childhood sexual abuse
October 15, 2007 by Rebekah · Leave a Comment
There are many reasons self-harming behaviour may surface in an individual; however one of the most common reasons noted by self-harmers is associated with childhood sexual abuse. According to research in the area of self-harm, large percentages (50-90%) of individuals who self-harm have reported a history of childhood sexual abuse.
Perpetrators of childhood sexual abuse violate the individual’s physical boundaries, touching the psyche and robbing the individual of the self. Consequently and as a result of being sexually abused, developmental changes may occur in the child/young person including neurological, physiological and emotional changes (see The affects of childhood trauma). Not only is the child’s development altered but the issue of abuse is complicated by the fact that the perpetrators of sexual abuse are often known to the child/young person and are viewed as the main guardians/carers of the child.
Imagine:
- growing up in a household that offers both abuse and care at the same time,
- being offered shelter, food and schooling whilst the violation of self is happening at the same time,
- waking up and finding yourself being touched in places that you had decided were your own,
- someone offering you attention by day and then raping you by night,
- being told that you are beautiful whilst at the same time your body boundaries are being crossed,
- your own body betraying you at a time when you needed it the most,
- lliving in a house where the enemy is someone you love.
The developing child has no way of integrating the abusive information that is being fed to them on a regular basis – the child becomes confused, alienated, lost, alone and fearful most of the time. The child/young person has not reached their full potential on any level and therefore the development of the child (emotional, physical, spiritual and psychological) develops with what information they have been given.
Childhood sexual abuse is the ultimate betrayal in child development when the perpetrator is meant to be a carer but they have instead used the child for their own personal and sexual gratification. The child/young person has no control over the intrusiveness of the boundary violation and therefore may view themselves as being powerless and helpless. The child/young person may also respond to the abuse and enjoy some aspects of the attention (while this is a normal physicological response, the victim often internalises it as “my body has betrayed me”. This betrayal by the body of the child may cause a disconnection of self and, for the child, a viable option is to hurt the self by ‘cutting’ out the betrayal.
Self-harm/injury offers the child/young person the opportunity to ‘take back’ their bodies and reclaim the control and power over their body boundaries. Similarly, ‘cutting’ offers the child an escape from their feelings and also provides emotional expression that can be controlled while in the company of self. The child/young person has learnt the ‘art of secrecy’ from the perpetrators of abuse and therefore ‘cutting’ the skin becomes shrouded in secrecy and shame.
The feeling of shame has been expressed as one of the most common emotions felt amongst self-harmers and survivors of sexual abuse. Shame is also the most private emotion of all because it compels the individual to be secretive, disconnected and withdrawn. Shame is often felt prior, during and after an incident of abuse and it is also often felt prior, during and after an incident of self-harm. Expressing the feelings of shame can become an integral part of the ‘cutting’ process and therefore offers the individual ‘a way out’ of their emotional turmoil. ‘Cutting’ the shame from the body of the ‘survivor’ also offers a sense of connection, control, relief and power to the self injurer which in the short-term creates safety and survival.
The sense of shame is carried by the ‘survivor’ of the abuse instead of being carried by the ‘perpetrator’ of the abuse. There is no shame associated with being abused – the child/young person has done no wrong and cannot be held accountable for the acts of another. This is the message that must be heard amongst our ‘survivors and self-injurers’.
The discovery of self-harm in children or young people
October 2, 2007 by Rebekah · Leave a Comment
Finally, I am back blogging on self-harm - it has been an eventful and full couple of months so apologies to everyone for not having the time to blog on this subject.
Some children and/or young people may stop harming themselves of their own accord or they may ‘grow out’ of it as with other developmental changes in the life span of humans, however, for most self-harmers the act of ‘cutting’ is a coping strategy that is central to their ability to survive. When a parent/guardian discovers that their child/young person is self-harming they may react strongly to the disclosure and continually monitor their child’s behaviours, or the parents may under-react to their child’s behaviour by avoiding or dismissing the topic of self-harm or more painfully, the parents/guardians may respond with strong emotions such as anger, annoyance, aggression or disappointment towards the child’s disclosure.
There is no one single approach that works for parents/guardians when a child/young person discloses the act of ‘self-harm’ – the act of self-harm is often embedded within the complexities of families, personal history, development, disciplinary practices, medical conditions, legal issues, social aspects, family history, schooling, mental health and abuse issues. However, parents/guardians who are willing to respect their child and communicate to their child by offering reassurance, safety, trust and protection will be more likely to establish good outcomes for the child/young person in the long-term.
I urge parents/guardians to seek both medical and professional support for their child/young person if the issue of ‘self-harm’ arises within the family unit. If the parent and/or guardian fail to offer some guidance and understanding including professional support to the child and/or young person, feelings of shame, worthlessness, guilt and low self-esteem will become embedded in the ‘self-harm’ process and self-harm will become a long-term coping strategy. More importantly, if the child discloses ‘self-harm’ and the parent/guardian fails to support the child then the voice of the child/young person will be silenced and the use of self-harm will become the main language that the child and/or young person uses to express their inner turmoil.
Upon disclosure of self-harm, parents/guardians may be tempted to ask the child/young person to stop their self-harming behaviours immediately – if only it was this simple and of course there are young people/and children who do stop their self-harming behaviour upon request. However, from my own personal and professional experience, I have only seen the self-harmer become more secretive and inventive in their use of self-harm if they are directed to stop all self-harming practices. I encourage parents/guardians to do the following upon disclosure or discovery of self-harm in their children and/or young people:I
IMMEDIATE RESPONSE
1. Find a private place to talk with few distractions
2. Assess self-harm injury – contact ambulance/hospital or medical professionals if required
3. Remain calm and encourage the child/young person to remain calm
4. Do not raise your voice or threaten the child/young person
5. Listen & acknowledge the self-harming behaviour to the child/young person
6. Support the child/young person
7. Offer reassurance, safety, trust and protection to the child/young person
8. Reduce the child/young persons distress
9. Provide the child/young person with choices rather than giving directives
RESPONSE – SUPPORT
1. Contact mental health professionals in your area
2. Utilise ‘internet’ for information
3. Seek information and education
4. External resources including Lifeline/Kids helpline, parent lines and other service providers in your area
5. Seek family support, guidance and counselling services
Self-harm is not isolated to your child/young person – self-harm is more common than parents/guardians are often aware – seek help, do not be embarrassed, guilty or ashamed – offer the child/young person everything you have both internally and externally.
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