Imaginif...the spirit of Christmas lasted.

You do not trust yourself to NOT self harm The fear rises within you – it looks like this:

• Heart beating fast
• Thumping or skipping beats of the heart
• Churning stomach
• Difficulty breathing
• Trembling
• Sweating
• Tingling
• Suffocating feeling
• Iron band around head
• Dizzy or light headed
• A lump in the throat 

You want to FIGHT or RUN or you might feel FROZEN on the spot – the fear feels bigger than you – stronger than you – ready to overtake you and send you crazy.  The fear might feel so big that you think you are going to die.  Your body and mind feel like they are splitting apart – you stand outside of your body looking on. Your body feels detached like you don’t exist or that you have fallen into a deep hole disconnecting from the reality of the world.  Frightening thoughts cling and the more you try to forget them the more the thoughts stick.  The fear feels like it has taken hold of you and you have lost the power and control over your own life.  You are left standing alone, unsafe and overwhelmed.   

And right at this moment when you are left standing alone with your emotions left raw from the intensity of your fear – you feel a sense of sadness and anger engulf you and you begin to wonder – You reflect on the fact that you want to feel real – you want to feel something other than fear – you want to be like everybody else – you just want to be ‘normal’.  BUT you can’t be normal you keep telling yourself – how can you be normal when you cut your own skin.  How can you trust yourself not to cut your skin? 

It doesn’t matter if you don’t trust yourself right now – I am not asking you to but I want you to know that you are not a coward and you do not have to cure yourself.  You let your mind and your body do the curing – stand aside from your body and let the healing process take over – your mind and your body have been responding to the wrong messages – these messages are from your past and they come from someone who has told you that you are worthless and undeserving.  You need to learn new messages and you can learn these new messages through the support of others including professional support.  Once you have learnt new messages – trust your mind and body to respond faithfully to these new messages just as the mind and body has responded so faithfully to the wrong messages.   

DO NOT let these wrong messages continue to stop you from living a life that you deserve.  DO NOT stop trusting yourself. DO NOT stop believing that one day it will be different.  DO NOT give up on life because peace is just around the corner.  DO NOT forget that your mind can become tired from fighting the fear.  DO NOT let anything stand in the way of reaching your full potential.  DO NOT stop surviving. DO NOT despair because I know how easily you do despair.   

One day, not today but one day – with support, guidance and empathy you will be able to trust yourself again and once you trust yourself again – your skin will breath a new lease of life and be forever radiant to the outside world. 

There are many reasons self-harming behaviour may surface in an individual; however one of the most common reasons noted by self-harmers is associated with childhood sexual abuse. According to research in the area of self-harm, large percentages (50-90%) of individuals who self-harm have reported a history of childhood sexual abuse. 

Perpetrators of childhood sexual abuse violate the individual’s physical boundaries, touching the psyche and robbing the individual of the self.   Consequently and as a result of being sexually abused, developmental changes may occur in the child/young person including neurological, physiological and emotional changes (see The affects of childhood trauma).  Not only is the child’s development altered but the issue of abuse is complicated by the fact that the perpetrators of sexual abuse are often known to the child/young person and are viewed as the main guardians/carers of the child.

Imagine:

• growing up in a household that offers both abuse and care at the same time,
• being offered shelter, food and schooling whilst the violation of self is happening at the same time,
• waking up and finding yourself being touched in places that you had decided were your own,
• someone offering you attention by day and then raping you by night,
• being told that you are beautiful whilst at the same time your body boundaries are being crossed,
• your own body betraying you at a time when you needed it the most,
• lliving in a house where the enemy is someone you love. 

The developing child has no way of integrating the abusive information that is being fed to them on a regular basis – the child becomes confused, alienated, lost, alone and fearful most of the time.  The child/young person has not reached their full potential on any level and therefore the development of the child (emotional, physical, spiritual and psychological) develops with what information they have been given.

Childhood sexual abuse is the ultimate betrayal in child development when the perpetrator is meant to be a carer but they have instead used the child for their own personal and sexual gratification.  The child/young person has no control over the intrusiveness of the boundary violation and therefore may view themselves as being powerless and helpless.  The child/young person may also respond to the abuse and enjoy some aspects of the attention (while this is a normal physicological response, the victim often internalises it as “my body has betrayed me”. This betrayal by the body of the child may cause a disconnection of self and, for the child, a viable option is to hurt the self by ‘cutting’ out the betrayal. 

Self-harm/injury offers the child/young person the opportunity to ‘take back’ their bodies and reclaim the control and power over their body boundaries.  Similarly, ‘cutting’ offers the child an escape from their feelings and also provides emotional expression that can be controlled while in the company of self. The child/young person has learnt the ‘art of secrecy’ from the perpetrators of abuse and therefore ‘cutting’ the skin becomes shrouded in secrecy and shame.

The feeling of shame has been expressed as one of the most common emotions felt amongst self-harmers and survivors of sexual abuse.  Shame is also the most private emotion of all because it compels the individual to be secretive, disconnected and withdrawn. Shame is often felt prior, during and after an incident of abuse and it is also often felt prior, during and after an incident of self-harm.  Expressing the feelings of shame can become an integral part of the ‘cutting’ process and therefore offers the individual ‘a way out’ of their emotional turmoil.  ‘Cutting’ the shame from the body of the ‘survivor’ also offers a sense of connection, control, relief and power to the self injurer which in the short-term creates safety and survival. 

The sense of shame is carried by the ‘survivor’ of the abuse instead of being carried by the ‘perpetrator’ of the abuse. There is no shame associated with being abused – the child/young person has done no wrong and cannot be held accountable for the acts of another. This is the message that must be heard amongst our ‘survivors and self-injurers’.    

Article by Rebekah Allen

Finally, I am back blogging on self-harm - it has been an eventful and full couple of months so apologies to everyone for not having the time to blog on this subject.

Article by Rebekah Allen

Some children and/or young people may stop harming themselves of their own accord or they may ‘grow out’ of it as with other developmental changes in the life span of humans, however, for most self-harmers the act of ‘cutting’ is a coping strategy that is central to their ability to survive.  When a parent/guardian discovers that their child/young person is self-harming they may react strongly to the disclosure and continually monitor their child’s behaviours, or the parents may under-react to their child’s behaviour by avoiding or dismissing the topic of self-harm or more painfully, the parents/guardians may respond with strong emotions such as anger, annoyance, aggression or disappointment towards the child’s disclosure.

There is no one single approach that works for parents/guardians when a child/young person discloses the act of ‘self-harm’ –  the act of self-harm is often embedded within the complexities of families, personal history, development, disciplinary practices, medical conditions, legal issues, social aspects, family history, schooling, mental health and abuse issues.  However, parents/guardians who are willing to respect their child and communicate to their child by offering reassurance, safety, trust and protection will be more likely to establish good outcomes for the child/young person in the long-term.

I urge parents/guardians to seek both medical and professional support for their child/young person if the issue of ‘self-harm’ arises within the family unit.  If the parent and/or guardian fail to offer some guidance and understanding including professional support to the child and/or young person, feelings of shame, worthlessness, guilt and low self-esteem will become embedded in the ‘self-harm’ process and self-harm will become a long-term coping strategy.  More importantly, if the child discloses ‘self-harm’ and the parent/guardian fails to support the child then the voice of the child/young person will be silenced and the use of self-harm will become the main language that the child and/or young person uses to express their inner turmoil.

Upon disclosure of self-harm, parents/guardians may be tempted to ask the child/young person to stop their self-harming behaviours immediately – if only it was this simple and of course there are young people/and children who do stop their self-harming behaviour upon request.  However, from my own personal and professional experience, I have only seen the self-harmer become more secretive and inventive in their use of self-harm if they are directed to stop all self-harming practices. I encourage parents/guardians to do the following upon disclosure or discovery of self-harm in their children and/or young people:I

IMMEDIATE RESPONSE

1.     Find a private place to talk with few distractions

2.     Assess self-harm injury – contact ambulance/hospital or medical professionals if required

3.     Remain calm and encourage the child/young person to remain calm

4.     Do not raise your voice or threaten the child/young person

5.     Listen & acknowledge the self-harming behaviour to the child/young person

6.     Support the child/young person

7.     Offer reassurance, safety, trust and protection to the child/young person

8.     Reduce the child/young persons distress

9.     Provide the child/young person with choices rather than giving directives

RESPONSE – SUPPORT

1.     Contact mental health professionals in your area

2.     Utilise ‘internet’ for information

3.     Seek information and education

4.     External resources including Lifeline/Kids helpline, parent lines and other service providers in your area

5.     Seek family support, guidance and counselling services 

Self-harm is not isolated to your child/young person – self-harm is more common than parents/guardians are often aware – seek help, do not be embarrassed, guilty or ashamed – offer the child/young person everything you have both internally and externally.