Disruptive adoption from the adoptee’s point of view
March 18, 2008 by Lisa · 3 Comments
Currently in the United States, adoptions are being promoted as the “cure” for foster care, and a panacea to all permanency issues. And yet, across America, there are a growing number of adoptions that dissolve after finalization.
The highest disruption rate is for children who are adopted as teenagers.
Also at higher risk are:
- Children who are separated from their siblings.
- Children who have been sexually abused
- Children who have been adopted before and that adoption failed
The term ‘disrupted adoption’ sounds like it was coined in order to minimize the emotional impact. It brings to mind phrases like: “The television program was disrupted by a commercial break,” or a teacher saying to her class, “Be quiet. I will tolerate no more disruptions!”
Perhaps it’s a subtle way to assign blame to the child. Could it be a lingering accusation of insubordination? Does it imply that the child is an intruder, disrupting the customary order of their adoptive parents’ household?
A friend of mine who was adopted from foster care was recently reading a blog entry from an adoptive parent whose complaint was: “I guess we just thought that we would love him sooner. He is obviously crazy about us, but I just find myself coming home from a long day at work, and wishing he would calm down.”
My friend looked up from the article and commented, “It sounds like they were looking for a puppy.”
Prelude to a Loss
A series of stages have been identified by the University of South Maine that often lead to adoption disruption. First, the adoptive parents become frustrated with the child’s behavior and begin questioning their choice to adopt. They start complaining about the child to other people.
Hopefully the adoptive parents have surrounded themselves with a support group to both comfort and challenge them regarding their parenting skills. It is normal to feel overwhelmed after an adoption, just as many parents go through an adjustment after their child’s birth.
When I became a stepmother, I remember that the transition to ‘instant parent’ wasn’t easy. It took time to define the roles in our relationship, to build trust and to set limits. I knew that it wouldn’t always be easy, and it wasn’t. But I also knew that when I chose to marry my husband, I was making a lifelong commitment to his daughters as well.
Adoption needs to be perceived as a serious commitment. A child is not a defective product. A child cannot be taken out on a trial run. You can’t have buyers’ remorse, and then take that child back for a refund.
And yet, prior to adoption disruption, adoptive parents allow themselves to fantasize about what it would be like if this child were no longer a part of their family. Finally, they issue an ultimatum to the child.
The Aftermath
Most articles about disrupted adoption focus primarily on the emotions of the adoptive parent. But what does it feel like to be the child, undergoing that level of rejection?
For children and teenagers who have experienced disrupted adoptions, this experience impacts both their personal identity and long-term survival.
They often wind up in limbo:
1.) Their birth certificate has been permanently changed. It is now inaccurate, because it lists as parents. They aren’t allowed to have a copy of their original birth certificate without approval from both parents. In fact, they aren’t allowed to have personal documents, such as their (doctored) birth certificate, until they are 21 years old.
2.) Not only can they not rely on their former adoptive families, they are no longer legally related to their siblings. An adoptee explained it to me like this: “We are brother and sister, but on paper, it looks like we aren’t even related. I can’t even be his next of kin.”
3.) As they transition to adulthood, they are often unsure of how to fill out their taxes or the federal student aid application for school. They are asked to “prove” that their adoption was legally disrupted. If their adoptive parents have simply abandoned them, as happens all too often with teenagers, they can’t.
Transitioning young adults are unable to receive benefits such as ETV funds, because they were adopted and the assumption is that their adoptive parents – who have been receiving adoption subsidies for their care – will financially provide for them.
Recommended Policy Changes
Adoption agencies should be held to the standard of full disclosure. Research has demonstrated that parents who understand beforehand about a child’s previous physical or sexual abuse are less likely to disrupt the adoption. Sometimes, such as in the case of international adoption, there might not be a lot of information available. However, inasmuch as it is possible for an agency to fully inform adoptive parents about a child’s background, they should do so.
Screen adoptive parents’ motivations and expectations. Is the adoption based primarily on the needs of the child or the adoptive parent? Many people adopt due to their inability to conceive. Sometimes disruptions occur because parents feel entitled to some wonder-child that they’ve been imagining and the child doesn’t meet those expectations.
Training for adoptive parents should include the “what if” scenarios. What if you adopt a child, and discover that child has been sexually abused? Adoptive parents should be prepared in advance, and encouraged to create a financial and emotion safety net in the event that a child might need residential care.
Facilitate an atmosphere of trust, by allowing the child contact with loved ones. An adoptee shared with me her experiences on the day of her “Goodbye Visits” prior to her adoption. During the course of one day, she had to say goodbye to her birth family, the foster family with whom she had been staying for years and her brother. That day was the most horrific day of her life.
Three months later, her new adoptive parents were upset that she didn’t want to call them “Mom” and “Dad.”
The term Reactive Attachment Disorder makes me nervous because I believe it is a diagnosis that is given too quickly. This label makes it easier to underestimate the resilience of an adoptee and to magnify their problems. It makes it easier to blame the adoptee when things go wrong.
Imagine if someone came to you and said, “You are going to enter the witness protection program. You need to go and say goodbye to all the people that you have ever loved. You can no longer have any contact with them. It is for their safety.”
In a witness protection scenario, national security might be at stake. But whose needs are being met when an adopted child isn’t allowed contact with any loved ones?
When I asked my friend why her adoption meant that she was denied contact with every person that she had ever loved, her explanation was, “Adoptive parents are insecure, especially with older kids. That’s why the government allows them to cut all ties.”
I believe that if her former foster family was safe enough to place her with during the interim, she should have been allowed to maintain contact with them. If she was allowed sibling visits prior to the adoption, they should have been continued afterwards as well.
I would like to invite readers to weigh in on this issue…
Defining ‘permanency;’ should social workers do it, or should the youth themselves?
February 13, 2008 by Lisa · 2 Comments
A recent round table of experts, convened by Casey Family Services and the Annie E. Casey Foundation, defined permanency as:
“Having an enduring family relationship that:
- is safe and meant to last a lifetime
- offers the legal rights and social status of full family membership
- provides for all levels of a young person’s development
- assures lifelong connections to extended family, siblings, other significant adults, family history and traditions, race and ethnicity, culture, religion and language.”
These are lofty goals. It’s almost as if a group of people who emerged from a “normal” family looked at everything that they personally had, and said, “Yes, we want foster care youth to have that.” So, they set that as the standard, after taking upon themselves the responsibility to define what that standard is…
Is it realistic? Is it attainable? I don’t know. As a former foster care youth, I found my first “family” in my peers while living in a college dorm. But I did not have the legal rights of full family membership until I was married in 2001.
It is important to note that the child welfare system and youth define permanency differently.
When Urban Instititute and California Youth Connection facilitated focus groups of foster youth to ask them about this issue, some youth referred to permanency as a physical or concrete entity. They said things like: “Staying in one place” and “Not having to move” and “A place to stay until you age out.”
Other young people said, “No, it’s more than a place to live. It’s a feeling of connection.” They defined permanency as an emotional commitment from other people.
One young man described the concept of permanency as being like a permanent marker; he said, “If you draw on the paper, that mark ain’t going nowhere. The paper may go somewhere or it could be picked up, but the mark ain’t going nowhere.”
That is a great image. Think about the people who have made an indelible mark upon your life. Not all of them were connected to you by blood, birth or legal contract.
Now, I am going to suggest something radical here… I believe that the “experts” and the “professionals” should allow the input of foster care youth and alumni to influence how they measure success in the area of permanency.
What do youth say about adoption, guardianship, reunification with their biological family, independent living programs and aging out of foster care?
There is no “one-size-fits-all” approach to foster care. The experiences of foster care youth differ according to the situation. Some have found happiness through reuniting with their biological families. Others report being taken advantage of by ‘predatory parents.’
These are the legitimate fears that young people in foster care express:
- “Do you just want to close my case, or am I really safe now?” Many young people fear becoming a ‘closed case.’ The rate of re-entry into the foster care system after an initial attempt at reunification is high.
- “Aren’t I too old for adoption?” Teenagers in United States foster care report that they have learned from past experience that most foster parents are not eager to take teenagers into their homes. They also report their fears that, by being adopted, they might lose access to independent living classes, college tuition assistance and medical insurance.
- “Why should I take that risk (of adoption by a stranger)?” One of the horrors of foster care is its unpredictability. Teenagers who have grown up in the system often know what to expect from independent living programs. They anticipate having some power and control over their personal living situation.
Young people interviewed by the Urban Institute said that when they were placed in a group home or foster home, they had opportunities to leave if they did not like it – but “once you are adopted, you are stuck.”
So, who defines permanency? We live in a pluralistic society, where ‘family’ can be defined in many ways. Perhaps the definition of permanency from the Casey Roundtable was more than just lofty… maybe it was limiting, too.
Foster care alumni often report finding their first experience of “permanency” through friendships and mentoring relationships. A FosterClub intern from Michigan reported finding permanency through her involvement with the Jim Casey Youth Opportunities Initiative, which she described as being an ‘emotional parent’ in her life.
The way I see it, the choice is simple: We can keep defining what permanency should look like for a young person and forcing it upon them. Or we can listen to the young people themselves.
Because for a researcher, this is an outcome. For a staff person, this might be a job performance issue. But for a young person in foster care, this is their life.
Mentoring young people in and from foster care in Australia
January 27, 2008 by Lisa · 2 Comments
I have recently had the privilege of getting to know Carissa Neal. In a sense, she and I are sisters, since we both have experienced being in foster care.
Carissa is originally from New South Wales. She comes from a background of abuse and neglect.
When Carissa was nine years old, she ran away from home, taking her little brother with her. She tied her hands to her brother’s with a piece of string, so that she wouldn’t lose him.
Foster care saved her life.
Carissa reports that, “There was love and attention. I went to school. I was cared for, emotionally and physically. Most importantly, I was given a chance to be a normal child.”
One of Carissa’s many strengths is her sunshine personality. Her life motto is: “You can’t change your past, but you can change your future!”
When Carissa aged out of care, she entered an independent living program on the Central Coast. She was unprepared for financial independence. She had never been taught about budgeting, credit reports or setting up payment plans for bills. She didn’t have medical insurance, and wasn’t sure how to handle the expense of visiting a dentist when her wisdom teeth came in…
Fortunately, Carissa is skilled at problem-solving, and willing to consult with other people and listen to their ideas. She was equipped by one of her foster parents to make a list of pro’s and con’s while making big decisions.
The faith Carissa has in herself and her abilities, combined with the emotional investment that other people built into her, has undoubtedly contributed to the success that her life is today.
Memories of the challenges that she faced during her childhood and during her transition to adulthood only serve to fuel Carissa’s passion to reach out to other people. She is recently married, after a three-year engagement, and hopes to become a foster parent someday.
Here are some of the ways that Carissa has contributed to the lives of others:
1. Leading focus groups of young people for Streetwize Communications, a national not-for-profit agency that researches and communicates social issues to young people.
2. Serving as a Young Consultant for CREATE for the past six years and assisting with the training of other Young Consultants.
3. Training foster parents and caseworkers.
4. Giving speeches at forums and dinners about her foster care experience
But that’s not enough for Carissa – she wants more!
Her goal is to start a mentoring group in Australia for young people in and from foster care… Foster care mentoring models have had a positive impact in the United States and the United Kingdom.
If you are willing to support Carissa’s efforts, please email her at: carissa@inspire.org.au
Tapping into the vision and passion of foster care alumni
January 4, 2008 by Lisa · 4 Comments
It has been said that ‘a picture is worth a thousand words.’
With that in mind, my husband and I created a video to illustrate what can be accomplished by empowering foster care alumni.
Please take the time to watch this video If you are a MAC user, this link might work better for you.
It is an opportunity to learn more about Foster Care Alumni of America, the Culture of Foster Care postcard project, and the recent Thanksgiving dinner at Capitol Hill.
As a former foster child, volunteering for Foster Care Alumni of America is my highest privilege. There are some things that money cannot buy — and the honor of using your own personal experiences and those of other survivors to make a positive difference is one of them.
The experience is both healing and eye-opening. I used to think that the highest goal was to ’speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves.’ Now, I have learned that a better goal is to empower others to advocate, and to stand beside them in order to create a ‘collective voice’ which is more difficult to silence.
I created the video at the request of a conference facilitator who is considering me as a keynote presenter in 2008.
I am sharing it here, because it demonstrates what needs to happen in Australia, and all over the globe. We need to:
1. Dispell the stigma of foster care, and view survival behavior within its context, rather than pathologizing it.
2. Challenge survivors to view themselves not as victims, but as potential world-changers.
3. Listen to the voices of foster care youth and alumni and empower them to initiate change, since they are the ‘consumers’ of the foster care system.
4. Facilitate the development of foster care youth advisory boards and alumni peer support groups, recognizing that a permanent community can provide healing from a lifetime of broken connections.
5. Make child protection a priority. Thanks goes out to Megan Bayliss and all the authors and readers of this site. We volunteer our time because this issue is vitally important.
We are not victims; we are survivors
December 24, 2007 by Lisa · 2 Comments
Care Leavers Australia Network is a support and advocacy group for adults who grew up in homes, orphanages, institutions and/or foster homes.
As a former foster child and active member in Foster Care Alumni of America, I was curious to know how foster care alumni in Australia are using their insights to help young people who are currently in the Australian foster care system.
When I contacted a staff member to ask how CLAN enlists the insight of their members to guide system change, this is the response that I received:
“Our group tends to focus on older people who left the system unsupported and have been left to deal alone with loss, grief and trauma all their lives.
“Our hands are full trying to deal with past hurts, abuse and neglect.”
The person went on to explain that, although their organization has been in existence in for seven years, they still have only two staff members for the entire continent of Australia.
Hmm… I understand feeling overworked and overwhelmed.
Yet, I also see the need for empowering survivors of the foster care system.
Former foster children don’t need tea and sympathy. We are more than victims of the past — we are survivors, with passion and first-hand insights that can influence the future.
The foundation for the Ohio chapter of Foster Care Alumni of America was put into place by two people. Both were survivors of foster care. One was in her fifties, the other in her thirties. One had aged out of foster care in 1973, the other in 1989. Neither woman received support while transitioning out of care.
Those two founding members were Gayle Loyola and Lisa Dickson (me). Neither one us were prepared for the adult world by the institutions in which we were placed. During our initial transition to the adult world, both of us experienced homelessness and hunger.
“Can we imagine spending Christmas alone?” From personal experiences, we don’t need to imagine — we vividy remember that experience. It is part of what fuels our passion to create change. Part of our healing has come through from being proactive by helping others.
Alumni voice is vitally important. Where would the civil rights movement have been without Martin Luther King Jr.? Where would the women’s rights movement have been without Elizabeth Cady Stanton? Where would the disability rights movement be without Ed Roberts?
Survivors of the Australian foster care system can rise above the abuse, neglect, pain and trauma of their past and find healing. That is the truth and foundation that CLAN was based on: the book Orphans of the Living was written by Joanna Penglase, co-founder of CLAN, based upon her personal experiences.
How can you help: I encourage the readers of this posting to consider volunteering for CLAN, in order to increase their staff. If you need a reminder about the urgency, please read the Forgotten Australians, a Senate inquiry report released on August 30, 2004.
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