When I was in foster care, I saw my brother only once. It was Easter morning, and I had saved up and bought him a basket of candy. I still remember watching his brown eyes widen at the goodies I had for him.
I was fourteen years old; he was eight. We played kickball in the backyard. He ran around the bases with such an air of intense concentration that I didn’t have the heart to tag him out with the ball.
In earlier years, while my mother was dying of cancer, I had become my brother’s keeper. Undoubtedly, I wasn’t the best surrogate mom in the world. My cooking abilities were sorely lacking… But I loved him, and I was always there for him. When he woke up crying in the night, fearful of nightmares and thunderstorms, I came into his room and read him stories.
Losing Joshua was more than just losing my brother, it was more like losing my child. After he left that day, I experienced deep sorrow — but I also treasured the memory. Twenty years later, I can still remember every detail of that visit, and I treasure the day that we were able to spend together…
What’s a Sibling?
When families break down, relationships become complex and complicated. Sibling relationships might include biological siblings who were relinquished or removed at birth, half-siblings, step-siblings or current/former foster siblings. Not all couples are married, so a sibling could also include: “Mom’s ex-boyfriend’s daughter.”
Importance of Sibling Relationships
Regardless of how complex these relationships might sound, or how tangled the vines on the family tree, it is important to recognize the love and connection that might exist between siblings.
In abusive and/or neglectful families, it is common for siblings to nurture and protect one another. Teenagers who have assumed a protective role for younger siblings experience intense grief when they are not permitted to visit their younger siblings anymore.
Separating Siblings
Sadly, although social workers, foster carers and adoptive parents are aware of the importance of sibling connections, the multitude of other responsibilities often makes this a low priority. It can be difficult to find adoptive families who are willing to take in a sibling group. In many cases, only younger children are adopted, while teenagers remain in foster care.
Other reasons why sibling groups might not be placed together include:
1.) Size of the sibling group: It’s more difficult to find foster families for large sibling groups. Also, agencies have regulations regarding how many children can be placed in a foster home.
2.) Willingness of kinship care providers: Relatives might only be willing to take in children to whom they are related by blood, and not half- or step-siblings.
3.) Special needs of some siblings: A foster/adoptive home might not provide the resources and support needed by one special needs member of a sibling group.
Some children might still remain in the custody of the biological parent. In that case, contact between siblings depends upon whether visitation is allowed and facilitated between the biological parent and the child.
What Can We Do to Reunite Siblings?
In foster care, when siblings cannot be placed together, it is essential to facilitate regular contact.
Will this be difficult? Yes, certainly.
Is it worth it? Yes, most definitely.
How can it be done?
Here are some methods:
1.) Social workers need to create a visitation plan, and involve the children and the adults at their current placements in its formation and evolution over time. This plan needs to include concrete, practical steps and an accountability component.
2.) When/if siblings are placed in separate foster homes, ideally those homes should be within close proximity to one another. Visitation will be more likely to occur if their foster parents or social work doesn’t have to drive several hours to facilitate.
3.) Facilitate frequent contact between siblings with letters, email, cards, and phone calls. Make the extra effort to buy stamps and mail the letters, especially for younger children.
Allow for Sibling Grief
If children are sad after visiting their siblings, please allow them to share and experience those feelings. Listen to them — but don’t use this as an excuse to end the sibling visitation because it’s too hard on you afterward.
Sibling Placement Program in Australia
The Sibling Placement Program is a Centacare initiative in the Inner-Western Suburbs, funded by the Department of Community Services, designed to preserve the relationship between brothers and sisters when they are unable to live with their family.
This program has a specific structure and focus to support maintaining sibling relationships between children in foster care while their future is being resolved.
Foster parents who want to provide for siblings groups have two options:
1.) They can care in their home for sibling groups of three or more, supported by a tax-free allowance and specialist support.
2.) They can live rent free in a home available in Inner West Sydney while providing care for a sibling group of four or more children.
For more information, please call Rachel Perrone at (02) 9793 7522.
