And they’re off! Absconding foster carers commando spirit

Article by Charmayne (Char) Paul

Every day there is a carer pacing around pulling their hair out stressing about the safety of their child in care who has run away. Thursday night was my turn – again. This time both of the kids in my care went AWOL. My boy of 9 made his way back to me after a 30 minute walkabout; my girl of 14 however, I did not see until late afternoon the next day.

Given the trauma many foster care kids have experienced, running away is the ideal solution for difficulties, challenges and fear of the unknown. Strange as it may seem, absconding seems to happen when life is at its best. After a few days of great times, or an upcoming exciting event, one – or in this case both – seem to want to test the waters to see if this happiness is real. Kids are natural scientists who are keen to compare and contrast experiences for themselves – rather than JUST LISTEN!

What’s running through their heads when they go? Well, from what is verbalised at me; I am a bully (because I insist on keeping a small set of rules such as no chores no privileges back, or, throw stuff or words at me and the behaviour will be put outside, perhaps even asked to leave the property; I am a liar (because I didn’t say exactly what they heard me say); I am a bitch (because I phone back 18 year old boys phoning a 14 year old inviting her to go to parties and drink, on the onus she send them credit for their phone); and, I don’t care (because I insist that they spend time-out if they do not follow through on what we agreed to keep them safe from strangers, like going into a unit across the road or not letting them go to that bloke who has said twice already this week that it is his “birthday”).

So, now that I have established that for my rabble it is all my fault when they verbalise why they run off, let’s investigate how I interpret their behaviours; they are scared (what happens if this good stuff goes and I believed it was real – what a fool!); they are self-blaming (when I disappoint her I feel I am back in that bad place when a person I cared about was doing bad stuff to me); and they are stressing (because if I don’t have a boyfriend then I must not be of value, even if my boyfriend treats me like crap and uses me, or, what if this great fun thing I am looking forward to doesn’t happen like I want it to?).

Hey, hey ~ one of my twinkle toes just arrived home (he took off an hour ago, shouting all of the above; he’ just told me he he was howling under a light where he could be seen by lots of people). I will spend some time re-establishing our positive attachment bond, so he can be assured that he is a great little bloke that is not the “Mike TV” behaviour (that is a Charlie Chocolate Factory reference to externalise bullying behaviours). Meanwhile, my girl is sulking because she is behind in the chores to earn back her make-up, jewelry and hair-dryer. Actually, she is peeved cause I’ve caught out some older guys trying to take advantage of her insecurities, and she doesn’t want to believe that they are doing just that – again.

Ok, while the screaming match is going on in the background I will try to pull my thoughts together on how to take a take a commando approach to the run away:

1. Stay calm – yeah they talk about hoping the cat will die, and “accidentally” let the dog out, but, you know, they are traumatised kids, and we are adults who have more opportunities to seek help for ourselves when we are going-off.

2. Try to keep doing what you were doing – whether it is work, writing a blog , chores around the house, catching up on that fav TV show; it gives the kid/s a chance to have some time out and wind themselves down. There is only so long they can stay that wound up. Of course it is sometimes difficult to maintain one’s plans- a date may have to be canceled to at home if they arrive, or the one that hasn’t run (yet is sitting behind you telling you that you don’t care about them and no wonder kids (and dog) run away from you cause all you do is work.

3. Don’t take the bait - if I have “Mike TV” trying to climb through the window (bully behaviour has the door shut on its verbally abusive stone throwing ass), I just shut the window. When I am being shouted at about being a “bitch” and a “ho” I can just walk away~ words are only wind anyway. And when my nibbler is trying to nip away at my self esteem because she can see I am stressing about a missing child, a missing dog and late work assignments, well, I remind myself it’s her that must be at the weak point – my silence is the water that wears down the rock~

4. Maintain your boundaries (perimeter) -remember, they cannot enforce their own boundaries if it is not modeled for them. How can “No” mean “No” if significant others back down or don’t follow through on consequences. How can friendships be navigated by kids in care if their caregivers don’t show them how to go about asking for what they want, and letting others know how it will be if they cross the line.

5 . Create networks – if they take off for long periods and are likely to engage in high risk behaviours then it’s time to make your presence in their life so much more salient. I have no problem noting friends phone numbers and other contacts (get the surnames) so I can touch base with parents. If necessary I stop in at the school and talk to the Deputy about them contacting parents to contact me. And I make sure the kids hear me interacting with their friends and their friend’s parents, so that they can be reassured that I do care, and will go to great effort to ensure that their welfare is my tip priority.

OK, I’m done- I have a headache. There is probably more I could say but I am just too tired. The kids are at peace (kinda) and we are off to the shop for breakfast bacon and a bit of chocolate to accompany TV viewing tonight. No one will be doing any more running tonight (thank you God), and hopefully my other cat will appear by the time we get home…